Tampa Area Devastated by Coronavirus Not Infecting Rick Scott

Families throughout Tampa Bay have come together in online communities to lament the spread of the COVID-19 virus and its apparent indifference towards infecting former Governor Rick Scott. Despite numerous petitions and calls to action, the virus seems unwilling or unable to cause illness in Rick Scott.

“It’s really been a struggle for us,” said Cindy Mae Watkins, pastry chef by day and reasonable adult by night. “We keep hoping and praying for him to at least get a cough and a fever. Yet he persists. It’s as though there’s no God at all.”

Scientists at USF and nearby private research facilities have speculated about Scott’s unique immunity. And they all seem to have reached the same conclusion.

“When someone appears to be terminally ill, a virus won’t take it as a host. It’s similar to how robbers won’t break into a house which looks to have already been ransacked. Sad to say, Rick Scott’s cold, vacuous, black, shit heel heart just seems to be unappealing to the virus. His lungs must be similarly full of shit and unloved by all – even a virus,” said epidemiologist and grown ass man, Dr. Matthew Renfro. “Frankly, I don’t blame the coronavirus. Given that it seems to have originated due to consumption of bats, it must express an aversion to a man who looks like he transforms into one when he’s not sucking the fucking blood out of orphans.”

Kristi Lorenz, a soccer mom who now finds herself feeding her children “completely unearned orange slices”, lamented, “The worst part is the social distancing. We all have to deal with avoiding people who love us. But this Rick Scott? No one would hug him. Not even if he was fully engulfed in flames and they were a human goddamn fire blanket. He’s really less than human. And I think that’s what keeps the virus away.”

“Who’s going to shake his hand? I wouldn’t even sneeze into his open mouth if his reprehensible clown ass was the speaker at a Jack in the Box,” said Xavier Smith, a volunteer at soup kitchens who actually cares about human beings, unlike Rick Scott.

Citizens in Tampa continue to watch as Rick Scott somehow dodges the coronavirus bullet while it infects and threatens the lives of people with inherent worth and families who love them. But the outlook does not appear good, as he appears to be happy and smiling like a pig who found an endless trough of shit to roll about in.