Tampa Bay Vipers Home Opener Guide

After a disappointing 0-2 start to the inaugural XFL season, the Tampa Bay Vipers have not given up hope of being the first XFL team to have a perfect losing record.

“We are trying to get a solid 0-10 record this year,” said head coach Marc Tressman, “I hate scoring touchdowns.”

Tampa Bay Vipers fans are already tailgating, days ahead of this weekend’s game. 

“I thought this was the line for people waiting to buy Rolling Stone’s tickets,” said Vipers Game 1 quarterback Aaron Murray.  “Things aren’t going too well for me, I’m actually getting tickets for the upper level, last row in section 342.”

When asked if purchasing a ticket to see the Rolling Stones from a seat that far away in the middle of July is even worth it, Murray reminded me that he’s a Florida boy and, “I’ve been playing football in this town my whole life.  I’ve never listened to Rock and Roll, but I feel like this is the best time to start.”

After suffering an injury or some shit, Murray has decided to stay by the sidelines for the rest of the season.  Vipers fans aren’t exactly sure who they are excited to see.

“I’ve been coming to XFL games my whole life,” said Druggie Poppins, a pill addict and a liar.  “My dad and I used to drive to the baseball field behind my house on his go-kart. He lived in a box with a little battery powered TV.  The only thing he would watch was VHS copies of XFL games he recorded.”

Poppins then began smoking pills and I decided it was time for me to get out of there.

“Wait!” Poppins yelled after me, “Will I see you covering the game this weekend?”

I thought about it, but I wasn’t sure if I could compromise my journalistic integrity attending such a sorry excuse for a sport. 

Poppins then got a little sad and said, “My dad had in his will that all of his 401K money be used for season tickets to any XFL team that was close to his grave.”   He then pointed over to a small mound of dirt in the field outside of Raymond James stadium.  “I buried my dad there yesterday and used his 401K money for pills, but I found a way to sneak into the stadium if you want to go with me.”

I figured I might as well go because it’s an excuse to drink and I’m an alcoholic.  So let’s all go out and support the Tampa Bay Vipers this week.