Tampa Declares Day Drinking a Competitive Sport
As part of an effort to get some worldwide recognition at this summer’s Olympics in Tokyo, Tampa has officially declared Day-Drinking a competitive sport and will be sending a team of power drinkers to the Olympic games in an effort to capture the gold.
“There are no Day-Drinking events planned for the Tokyo Summer Olympics,” said Olympics Event Organizer Rubbiling Tatakaka. “Who told you that, and why am I getting so many messages about this?”
Tatakaka was very confused by my questioning and kicked me out of his office. I refused to leave the lobby and began causing a ruckus. Security swarmed me and tried to escort me out of the building, but I decided instead to pick up a chair and throw it at a glass door, causing the alarm to go off.
This made the security very angry.
“You’re going to have to pay for that,” one of the security guards said as he went to grab me and put me in a headlock. I was able to dodge and swing around behind him, then I delivered a drop kick to his lower back which caused him to run headfirst into his colleague.
After performing a kip-up, four more guards surrounded me. I announced that they probably don’t want to do this and if they left me alone, they will have a chance to see their families when they leave work. Those guards did not listen and instead tried to come at me.
I immediately poked the first one in the eyes, he screamed and stepped back. This gave me enough time to jump in the air and deliver a roundhouse kick to the remaining three guards rendering them unconscious.
The secretary who was witnessing all this unfold sat silently and watched as I easily took out the entire building’s security with only a fraction of my hand-to-hand combat skills.
Tatakaka then emerged from his office wielding a very large sword.
“We said no to day drinking, but if you defeat me, we might consider Tampa’s new competitive sport,” Tatakaka said while staring me down from across the lobby.
I considered his offer, but decided I’d had enough blood on my hands for one day. As I turned to leave, I heard Tatakaka running towards me.
“You will not leave alive!” He screamed as he lunged at me, vertically slicing me in half with his huge sword.
Before my body split in half and fell to the ground, I was able to tell Tatakaka he will pay for this, and that Tampa’s competitive drinking scene will avenge my death at the 2020 Olympics.
Athletes who are looking to compete are encouraged to sign-up today and start training immediately.