Tampa man caught sneaking out of Vipers game

During their first home game of the season, a Vipers fan was caught climbing a large fence to exit the football game. The incidence caused a 5-minute delay of game while officials addressed the issue, catching the man before he got to the other side, with a rope.

“I’m sorry I just wanted to leave but I know they have a strict ‘no leaving’ policy because they need the seats to look good for the cameras and we’re all getting paid $20 to be here so technically I’m breaking my SAG contract by attempting to escape, but you’ve got to understand, nobody wants to see this.” Said Fred G. Bailey, the hired attendee who attempted to leave.

“They apprehended me pretty quick.” Bailey said. “And the fact that the security guards were retired wrestlers was even scarier. This whole league is slightly disturbing given the fact that we all know it only exists because Donald Trump became president and he’s friends with the McMahon family, so I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but that’s not just a coincidence that some unwanted billion-some mammoth investment comes along that can’t possibly have a real base, but you know, maybe they’re laundering or something, I’m not really sure, I’m just a SAG actor playing an extra in a shoot that maybe 16 people will watch. Who knows, maybe I’m just crazy and I should have just sat through the game, I don’t know.” Said Bailey.

Bailey is currently being held in XFL jail at the Raymond James stadium. Similar to the Seminole Hard Rock, Raymond James and the XFL function in their own society under different rules and laws, so no due process is necessary for whatever happens to Bailey.

The XFL hasn’t issued any statement, and rumors are that they’re going to “Powerbomb him.”