Tampa Mega Church Converts to Scientology
The pastor of Tampa’s largest mega-church has shocked the community by announcing that the church will be converting to Scientology.
Pastor Paul White, a fifth-generation Tampa pastor, made the announcement during a sermon last Sunday. “We have been praying and seeking guidance, and we have come to the conclusion that Scientology is the one true path,” he said.
The congregation was stunned by the announcement, with many expressing disbelief and concern. “I’ve been coming to this church for years, and I never would have expected this,” said singer-songwriter Alice Glass, a long-time church member. “I don’t know what to think.”
But the pastor was unfazed, and he went on to make an even more shocking revelation. “I have something to confess,” he said. “I am not who you think I am. I am not a human being. I am an alien from the planet Zoron, and I have been living among you for many years, pretending to be a pastor.”
The congregation erupted in chaos at this revelation, with some people fleeing the church in terror, while others stayed to hear more. The pastor continued, “I have come to Earth to study human behavior, and I have been observing your world for a long time. I have seen the evil that humans are capable of, and I have decided to use the teachings of Scientology to help you overcome your negative tendencies and become more enlightened beings.”
He went on to admit that he was responsible for many of the terrible things currently happening in the world, including the recent rise in hate crimes, the ongoing climate crisis, and the proliferation of fake news. “I have been manipulating your world from behind the scenes, and I am sorry for the harm I have caused,” he said.
But the pastor insisted that he was now turning over a new leaf and that he would use his powers for good. “I am going to use Scientology to help humanity evolve and become more enlightened,” he said. “I believe that with the help of this great religion, we can create a better future for all of us.”
Despite the pastor’s promises, many in the Tampa community remain skeptical and concerned about the church’s conversion to Scientology. “I just don’t know what to think,” said comedian Michael Blackson. “I’m not sure if I can trust an alien who has admitted to causing so much harm in the world.”
Only time will tell whether the Tampa mega church’s conversion to Scientology will be a success or not.
