Every year since last year, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback and future NFL Hall of Famer Tom Brady retires on February 1st, ending his legendary and unprecedented career for 40 days. Here are some ways you can get in on the fun and celebrate this annual occasion…
QUIT YOUR JOB
That’s enough of that. Just walk away. Don’t worry about the money you need to pay your bills and live; you can always come back in a few weeks. If your now ex-boss says, “I thought you quit…?” just point out that you’re pulling a Brady. He’ll be glad you’re back and will pin every single one of the company’s hopes and dreams of being successful on you and you alone.
GET YOUR WIFE TO LEAVE YOU
Just do that thing that you enjoy that she hates, whatever that thing is. Don’t act like you don’t know what that thing is. You know goddamn good and well what that thing is.
START SCANNING THE NFL MOCK DRAFTS
It’s about to be bleak for a while here in Tampa Bay when it comes to football. See who the hot prospects are for the NFL draft coming up in April. And not just this year. Start forecasting what high school phenoms might be available in five or six years. This is going to take a while and it is gonna suck.
BE AMAZING AT SOMETHING WELL INTO YOUR 40s
You’re young. It’s not too late to become the absolute master at something you do and maintain that level of excellence until you’re middle-aged. Unless you’re not young and it is too late. In which case, watch TV or something, I guess. I don’t know what to tell you.
HAVE A BABY AND NAME IT TOMBRADY
Get someone pregnant, preferably your significant other or your wife on May 1st with the idea of her having the baby on February 1st, 2024, the next annual Tom Brady Retirement Day*. When the baby is born, name it TomBrady. Not Tom, not Brady, TomBrady. This will not only let people know exactly whom the baby’s existence honors, but also won’t be too weird if it’s a girl.
* If you’re a woman, let this happen to you. Shhhh. It’s going to be okay.
DO SOMETHING ELSE NON-FOOTBALL AND TOM BRADY RELATED
The Lightning are still good and Steven Stamkos isn’t even talking about retirement at all yet. Plus, February 1st is also National Dark Chocolate Day, National Baked Alaska Day, National Texas Day, National Serpent Day, National Girls and Women in Sports Day, National Get Up Day (whatever the hell that means) and National Freedom Day. There’s more to life than football and one guy who plays/played it, you know.
Happy Tom Brady Retirement Day!
Tom Brady, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 14,643 passing yards. 108 touchdowns, three postseason appearances and a Super Bowl win. Thanks, Tom! From your pals at your favorite media outlet, Tampa News Force.