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Tampa Tap Water Declared Too Flammable

Pinedreams Trailer Community – Hillsborough County – Monday 4.15.2019

Tampa government officials were called in to a Tampa trailer park community to inspect some water lines that tenants were complaining spouted flammable water.

“We’re okay with some flames, coming out of the faucet,” says trailer owner Dallas Rothschild. “Like if I want to boil some water, it’s nice to have but yesterday I damn near burnt myself trying to wash my hands.”

Upon further inspection of the city water lines, Tampa Government Water Inspector Melvin Randall discovered that many of the homes in Hillsborough County are receiving their water from Thompson’s Flammable Water Factory.

“I can take you there, but I have to warn you, not many people come back from that factory with their eyebrows in tact,” said Randall while scrolling through his phone. He showed me pictures of all the other reporters he has taken to the Flammable Water Factory, and they all had missing eyebrows.

“Well after seeing this, I’m not sure I want to do this story anymore,” I said to Randall.

“Any other day I would believe you, but I can see in your heart, you are a real reporter and this story is bigger than this moment we are sharing,” Randall said to me while looking deep into my eyes, still holding his phone. “I’ve got the directions pulled up right here, how about you hop on the back of my Harley and I’ll take you there.”

Randall and I took off on his motorcycle, but before we could reach the Flammable Water Factory, he had to stop and get gas.

While he filled up I went to the bathroom inside the store. When I came back out, Randall was nowhere to be found. I called the number I dialed to reach him earlier that day, but it went directly to a busy signal.

After numerous attempts to reach Randall by phone, I gave up and sat outside the gas station. One of the gas station employees eventually came out to have a cigarette.

“You looking for any spice or Flakka?” He asked me.

“No thanks, I was actually here to do a story about the flammable tap water, but I’m not sure where the guy I came here with went,” I said to him.

“Well I’ll be darned, I almost had my hands burned off yesterday while I was trying to jerk off with a blow torch,” he said to me in a way that made it seem like he wasn’t actually listening to me.

“That sounds fun,” I said while handing him my business card. “If you ever need me to make up a fake story that makes no sense and falls apart near the end, let me know.”

The gas station employee nodded at me and I realized that maybe I’m high on Flakka and there is no flammable water in Tampa. Then I smoked some more of that Flakka and realized that this entire story about a flammable water factory and a man with the last name Randall was all in my head.

I took one more big fat rip of Flakka from a bong, exhaled, became a zombie, bit a hookers face off, ran from the police, dug a hole, buried myself, let worms eat and decompose my body, and then had an apple seed in my stomach grow into a big beautiful tree.

That tree was then struck by lightning and a branch fell off. Through a seemingly random series of events, that branch ended up on a beach and drifted across the ocean to another beach were a kid picked it up and tossed it to play catch with his dog.

“Fetch,” the little boy yelled before tossing the piece of driftwood.

The dog saw the driftwood land a few yards away from him and before he went to fetch it he turned his head to the boy and said, “please vote and get involved in your local government.”

The little boy was really confused because he had never seen his dog talk before.

“What did you say Baldo?” The boy asked the dog.

The dog then barked and went to pick up the piece of driftwood and the boy pretended like this whole thing never happened.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos