Tampa to criminalize males masturbating

Tampa Boys Health Clinic – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 5.15.2019

In an effort to make sure the next generation of Tampa citizens grow up big and strong, the City of Tampa has passed sweeping legislation making it illegal for males to masturbate and “kill their seed”.

“Any boy or guy I catch reaching for that thing between their legs is getting a few of these bullets here right through their hands,” said Tampa Police Commander Edith Mustaling while waving her pistol around the police station press room. “Are we trying to raise a bunch of pussies? Are we?”

Mustaling kept asking the crowd rhetorical questions in a serious way but no one would speak up.

Under the new law, anyone caught masturbating will face up to 99 years in prison. The TPD have hired the Masturbation Investigation Special Television Attachment Knowing Enforcement (MISTAKE) to monitor all devices and stop attempts at masturbation within Hillsborough County.

Protestors are encouraging males between the ages of 13-99, to test the response times of MISTAKE in what is being called the Jerk-In 2019.

“They can’t arrest us if we all masturbate at the same time,” said a fellow bus passenger while attempting to start a conversation with me. As soon as I noticed what was going on, a fully-armored police officer stopped the bus, came in and shot the man in the head before dragging his body out.

Men are encouraged to delete every app on their phone, throw away all electronic devices and move away from Hillsborough County.