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Target to Convert Parking Lots into All-You-Can-Eat Buffets

Americans around the United States might never trust going to buffets again, but Target is hoping to ease fears in a new partnership with Golden Corral.

Every day after closing, Target will set-up tents in select parking lots while volunteers serve out unlimited dishes to guest with buffet drive-thru tickets taped to their windshields.

“Every Golden Corral is open for takeout, and as a result we have thousands of pounds of food that will go to waste if we don’t do something,” said Golden Corral owner and operator Butch Ketchum.  “We have been wrangling our suppliers throughout the pandemic, but our main demographic has been the most affected by COVID-19.”

Ketchum pulled out a can of chewing tobacco, but it was full of gummy bears and he offered me some.  I declined and told him I’m trying to quit sugar.

“We need to get Americans eating more than they can handle again,” said Ketchum who had shoved the gummy bears into a pipe and began smoking them.

As he began to choke and cough at the chemical mixture he was inhaling, I noticed Ketchum came to our interview wielding a number of guns.

“These are for my own protection, I don’t trust journalist,” said Ketchum, who was starting to look at me like I was some kind of enemy of the people.

I flashed the guns that I had on my holster to show Ketchum that I was a journalist who believed in the Second Amendment. 

“If you really want me to trust you, you would duel me right now,” Ketchum said while packing his pipe with more gummy bears.  “Prove to me you are a journalist, duel me to the death!”

I agreed and we began our duel.

We stood back to back and took ten steps before turning around and attempting to shoot each other.  I missed wildly because Ketchum shot me the face, I then died.

Target is encouraging customers interested in the buffet pass to contact their local Golden Corral and demand they give away their unused food as they haven’t heard about this partnership yet.