Tesla Partners with Bird to Introduce Cyberscooter

Following close on the heels of the announcement of the new Tesla Cybertruck, the innovative company that has made a name for itself by providing sustainable energy solutions is not slowing down. On Sunday morning they announced plans to partner with popular electric scooter company Bird to produce a Cyberscooter.

During a press conference held in an undisclosed rich people location, the CEO of Bird, Travis VanZanderZanden was excited to talk to me about the new product.

“Mr. VanZanZan, is it cool if I call you that?” I asked.

VanZanZan looked slightly taken aback and said, “Certainly not.”

I laughed, and continued, “Mr. VanZanZan, what inspired you to want to partner with Tesla?”

Without skipping a beat, VanZanZan replied, “I am a poor man. I am worth only a measly 400 million. I don’t know if you journalists learn math in your little arty schools, but that’s not even half a billion. I want to be a billionaire like Elon so maybe he’ll let me play with him and the other rich boys in their big boy sandbox.”

Naturally, my curiosity was aroused and I asked, “Big boy sandbox, huh? Is that a thing that exists?”

VanZanZan cleared his throat and looked rapidly around the room, “Uh…no…um, no of course not! Speaking figuratively, of course.”

Not to be deterred by his obvious discomfort, I continued to relentlessly question him, “Speaking of The Big Man, I noticed he was nowhere to be seen today. Where is Elon?”

By this point VanZanZan had regained his composure and attempted to display a professional exterior. “Mr. Musk was scheduled to appear today. However when he failed to arrive this morning his assistant told us that he was inconsolable and unable to attend our function. She said broken glass has left a broken man and to keep him in our prayers.”

Talking to VanZanZan made me realize how much I love Xanax. Maybe it was the similarities in their names. So I took a giant shit on the carpet while screaming “Fuck the rich!” and got the hell out of there and went out and did more drugs. Also this whole thing may or may not have been something that happened while I was tripping on acid but stay tuned and we’ll both find out if this Cyberscooter thing is real or not. I’m honestly just as curious as you are.