The Weeknd gets STD from gator bite
Super Bowl Halftime-performer The Weeknd has contracted Hepatitis B after getting bit by an alligator on the Summer Heights Golf course in Pinellas.
The singer, who had decided to spend an extra week in the city after doing so well in the Super Bowl, was invited to go play golf by a man who dances mostly naked at The Castle nightclub in Ybor known as “The Senator.”
“When the guy asked me to play golf I knew I had to take the opportunity.” The Weeknd said.
“I’ve heard he’s a legend in the community, and I wanted to get to know more about him, so I figured, If I can rock the Super Bowl harder than any other performer in history has done, I can definitely handle playing golf with this man I just met days ago.”
It was on hole 10, aka “the gator baiter” it’s frequently referred as by patrons, that The Weeknd encountered something he wasn’t ready for: a 12-foot Florida alligator which had not eaten in weeks.
“I knew something bad was probably going to happen.” Recalled The Weeknd.
“I had hit my ball onto the fairway which had happened to be near a gators nest, nestled by the high brush near the lake. I walked up and the gator shot forward and bit my hand. Pretty bad.” The Weeknd raises his arm to show me his mangled hand.
“Yea I’m pretty down about it, I don’t like it.” He said.
“Anyways, I go to the walk-in clinic on South Howard in Hyde Park because I was out at Luv Child the night before flirting with girls who have class in the morning, and the doctor tells me I now have Hepatitis B from the gator bite. And I’m like, ‘What! How can that be I haven’t even been with anyone? Despite the suggestion of my lyrics, I’m actually not sexually promiscuous and I only have intercourse with people I’m in a committed relationship, after we’ve been ‘talking’ for over a year.’ And the doctor responded, ‘Sometimes our golf course gators have STDs for reasons we’re not sure, and this is probably one of those cases.’ So anyways, that’s basically what happened.”
The Weeknd graciously, meticulously, recounted for me.
“Thanks Mr. Weeknd!” I said
“I guess that’s all I needed from you.” I continued.
“No problem man.” Said The Weeknd.
“Now can you get me back to the cardinal?” He asked.
“What?” I said.
Then he melted into the surroundings of the taxi cab I was conducting the interview in, and all of a sudden he’s gone and I can’t remember where I’m going or how I got here.
“Where am I?” I asked the cab driver, who up until this point has not tuned in to anything that’s been happening in the back cabin.
He turned his head slightly.
“You’re in ‘ell” he said in a heavy British accent.
“Oh no, not this again.” I said to myself as I began to realize what’s going on.
I’m stuck in the time vortex which I’ve been trapped in for months now due to an algorithm malfunction which has kept me in a never-ending loop of hypothetical articles that I can’t seem to finish or deliver to the TNF server.
“I guess this is another one that will just be gone in the wind, like all the others, never to be seen or ingested.”
But wait, I noticed that the words in my thoughts are now being ascribed into a digital document in semi-physical form.
“The words on the screen! They’re my thoughts!” I screamed.
I’m no longer in the time-vortex, the cab has dispersed into trillions of colorful particles which evaporate quicker than they appeared, and I’m sitting in a giant white sheet-metal room, walls covered in bolts and screws, shiny metal everywhere, and my brain hurts and stings.
All the scenarios I experienced in the time-vortex are all being remembered simultaneously.
“Ahhh!” I screeched.
The lone silver door in the room unlocks for what sounds like the first time in ages, and a figure walks through as a gust of wind pushes through.
“Are you…” I began.
“Yes I am.” The voice answered.
It was The Weeknd.
“Wow, you’re The Weeknd.” I said.
“What’s going on?”
“Well,” The Weeknd said.
“This is all my fault, see this has to do with me investing 7 million dollars of my own money into my Super Bowl performance, and I got caught up trading with some sketchy technology guys, anyways, long-story-short, I ended up with some machinery that does some things I’m not really sure of and, well, as you can see, you’re inside of the contraption I bought and I can’t really say much more than that because it’s secret celebrity stuff that quite honestly, you don’t have enough followers on social media to entertain this conversation with me.”
I sat dumbfounded for a little bit before looking up at the ultra-talented mega-star and saying, “Ok! I won’t question what you just told me, because honestly, I’m just happy to be back in the reality that I know is real and I can get back to work on writing with the Tampa News Force!”
“The what?” The Weeknd asked.
“Tampa News Force! It’s the fake journalism, ahem, ‘satire’ organization that I work with, and they’re going to be super happy I’m back!”
The Weeknd had walked out of the giant white room before I could finish explaining to him what Tampa News Force was.
“Well!” I thought to myself.
“That was interesting! Can’t wait to get back to writing more stories!”
*This story was left on the desk of the editor in chief at TNF, and John has not actually been confirmed to be present back in our reality. There is no proof that he is back, however we will keep our readers updated if he does appear in physical form. Also this story may have been left on our desk for quite some time, we were all gone for the holidays (President’s Day, Valentine’s Day) so there’s no telling how long ago this article was received and whether or not it is an authentic piece of journalism from John. It may be a fabrication made to fool us or believe a false narrative. If you have any information on John please send it to us and we will investigate it. Some have proposed that he is simply out in the street doing stand-up garnering the attention of the Chinese parody app Tik Tok. Those rumors have also not been substantiated.*