TNF Horoscopes. Week of April 18

Aries

Let’s get serious about your life for a minute, but only for a minute. Once the minute is done you can go back to drinking and partying.

Taurus

This will be your week to prove to everyone that your internal energy can be used for good, or for making decent cupcakes.

Gemini

That thing you lost last week will magically reappear, but not where you thought you lost it. Also, it’s gonna be a very expensive doctor visit.

Cancer

The rest of this month will be a challenge, but you will be handsomely rewarded with unlimited breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Leo

You’re gonna watch that movie New Mutants and kind of like it, even though everyone says it’s pretty bad.

Virgo

It’s time to decide what color to dye your hair. The color you decide will not match any of the clothes you own.

Libra

You’re going to film the cops doing something bad. The cops will not suffer any consequences and you will lose all faith in the justice system.

Scorpio

You’re so cool and awesome. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s going to be a great week.

Sagittarius

You will accidentally discover a new way to achieve orgasm without touching your privates. It will be both impressive and incredibly messy.

Capricorn

You’re going to make a lot of money this week, but you will get greedy and lose it all on a bad investment.

Aquarius

When you look in the mirror tomorrow you will not recognize yourself. Your mind and conscious will be swapped with the last person you hooked up with. If you’re a virgin, you will swap places with the last person you had a crush on. You should probably start cleaning your room and hiding all that embarrassing stuff.

Pisces

Like what are you even trying to do? Seriously, talk to someone, this is getting embarrassing.