Top 10 places in Tampa to bust a nut
- Nut Cracker Factory
The Nut Cracker Factory on Westhore and Himes boulevard offers patrons the opportunity to crack as many nuts as their hearts desire for only $9.99. You can bring your own nuts, or for varying prices you can purchase nuts at the facility
- Bayfront Park
Bayfront Park down Nutnut Cove Parkway is home to some of the largest nut trees in Tampa. Fortunately it’s completely legal to climb the nut trees and harvest them right then and there, so you can indulge to your hearts desire and crack the nuts right open as you pluck them. Don’t worry about the shells either because the city has hired a team of shell collectors to routinely maintain the park and pick up all discarded nut shards.
- Nelly’s Nut Busters
Nelly’s (for short) on 65th ave and Boardwalk lets you bust nuts for an hourly rate of only $5. If you bring a friend on Wednesday’s you can split the price and only pay $2.50 each. Nuts are not provided at this facility so make sure to bring a bag of your biggest and most favorite nuts to crack. The neon lights are a nice touch and give a warm ambience to your nut busting experience.
- Algonquin Spa
The Algonquin Spa is notorious for letting people masturbate right when they get inside. It’s known that if you’re entering your agreeing to be around masses of human fluids so be sure you’re up to it if you plan on going. If you don’t jerk yourself off, they will do it for a negotiated, agreed-upon price. Every deal is different so don’t expect to get away with any special deals at this location. You will definitely bust a nut though.
- Algonquin Spa
It cannot be stressed how convenient this location is for busting nuts. Located snuggly between Splooge lane and Release drive, it is one of the best locations in Tampa to bust a nut. They’ll do it, you can do it on your own, really it’s whatever your imagination can come up with. They’re very open to ideas and creativity so don’t be afraid to offer up an abstract nut-busting thought.
- Nebraska Avenue
The prostitutes on Nebraska avenue will help you bust a nut no-problemo. Just flash the cash and you get some ass. Mouth stuff, hand stuff, you name it, they’ll do it probably. It’s also legal! %100! Just slow down, put your hand out the window and wave them over, and all of a sudden you’ve got a bidding war like the line of cabi’s at an airport trying to put your bags into their taxi, except in this case it’s which woman-of-the-walk can bust your nut. Come and go, that’s the way of the Nebraska road. Bust quick, bust slow, you choose. If you like busting nuts, this is definitely a place to be.
- 1971
Use a time machine and travel to 1971. Free love, swingers, Jimi Hendrix, people were busting nuts left and right. If you can get your hands on a time traveling device don’t hesitate to go back to 1971. They’ll bust your nuts up real good.
- 2305
Assuming you were able to get that time traveling device, make sure to jump ahead to 2305. That’s the year where busting nuts when you wake up became mandatory for humanity. Every day of the week, either your government-issued nut-busting machine, or, for the bourgeois, you have a hired nut-buster, who the second you wake up, will go ahead and bust your nut for you. So after your done with 1971, head on over to 2305 for some class-A nut-busting action.
- Tampa Heights
Tampa Heights is a pretty good place to bust some nuts.
- Billy Gardell’s Nut Bust Emporeum
If you’re familiar with Tampa history you might know the famous comedian and star of Mike & Molly, Billy Gardell, used to perform in Tampa all the time. He opened up a business specifically for cracking tree nuts, and sexual releases. So you can literally bust some nuts while busting your nuts. It really doesn’t get any more appropriate than this. Crack a nut, bust a nut, repeat. Life does not get better than this. I will warn you though, it is relatively expensive compared to the other options. For 3 hours of busting nuts, (the minimum option) you will be paying $345 plus tax. This is more of a location you go to for a special occasion like an anniversary or a graduation. Unless you’re wealthy odds are you won’t be able to come here that much. But it’s definitely worth the price. The nut busts are pristine and controlled. Very professional. Very pure. Everyone who works here is a fan of the craft so you will not catch any side-eyes or complaints from anyone. This is a very nut-bust friendly establishment and they are happy to see nuts get busted here. So when it comes to busting nuts in Tampa this is the #1 spot on our list.
