USF adds stripping scholarships
University of South Florida – Hillsborough County – Saturday, 7.20.19
Stripping capabilities will now be factored into account for a new scholarship opportunity at the University of South Florida. Along with grades and extra curricular activities, students will now have the opportunity to showcase their stripping talents to a panel of USF professors, in an attempt to secure a $20,000 scholarship every semester, for a minimum of two semesters.
“We figured we have so many adult entertainers in the city already, why not give our student body a chance to highlight their student bodies in public in one of the most lucrative dancing markets in the entire world.” Said Jene Probonko, English Lit professor, and one of the board members for the stripper scholarship board.
“Our city has become known for housing some of the most proficient provocative dancers in the country, we’re pushing that talent to the next level, and helping these young students focus on what it takes to make customers aroused at these venues. We’re pointing them in the direction of greatness.” Jane takes off her glasses to wipe a tear from her eye.
The criteria for submitting for the stripping scholarship includes a full body detailing packet which must be handed in at the time of your audition, which includes the female students bust size, as well as her waist measurements, and for boys includes a measurement of their manhood down to the centimeter. Students will have three songs of their choice in front of the USF panel, to impress them in any way they can. Whether or not they choose to physically touch the panel is up to the comfort level of each individual student, and no physical touch will be expected, however it is rumored to help insurmountably.
The lucky 46 students who receive the scholarship will have full access to the new USF “late-night” dance facility, which includes gold and green striped dance polls, as well as state of the art stages with ground to ceiling lighting, and a practice DJ booth, for an upcoming “adult dancer disc jokey” class which launches next semester. The new scholarships have been met with some parental backlash, as all parents are not completely thrilled.
“This is the terrible.” Says Becca Green, mother of two freshman girls at USF. “My children are ugly and have no rhythm, this just isn’t fair!” Becca bangs her hips with her fists. “They’re smart, and they have scholarships, but I still have to pay for their meal plans! I want them to have full rides! And the only ‘full rides’ that the dean seems to care about are lap dances! I was a stripper for 34 years, and I wasn’t offered this opportunity when I went to USF!” Becca lets out a guttural noise like a hurt whale. “If I don’t get to enjoy something, I don’t think other people should be able to! Don’t forgive student loans! There shouldn’t be a polio vaccine!” Becca slams the door on her custom PT Cruiser causing chrome skulls to fall from her rims into a puddle in the asphalt. “F**k!” She screams from the inside of her closed cabin. Word from the participating strip clubs, is that they couldn’t be more excited for the scholarships.
“Usually we take in college aged girls all the time.” Says manager of Twisty Nips, Ned Fungle. “We’ve got plenty of girls in here who look at least 18, but we’ve never actually had motivated college girls on scholarships! This is definitely going to increase traffic in here, and hopefully streamline the process of fantasy sexual release.”
There’s plans for a public protest on the USF grounds from hundreds of ugly people who didn’t qualify for the scholarship, and people who just plane-old don’t like fun. Police are looking into the legality of a stripper scholarship existing at a college, but nobody really cares. “We’re kind of going forward with an investigation.” Says officer Dinkus, as he scratches his bald head. “But honestly there’s people hurting each other out there right now, we’ve got much bigger fish to fry.” Dinkus slides across the hood of his untagged charger, then takes off leaving a long skid mark through the intersection of twiggs and Florida. For more information on the USF stripping scholarships, simply apply to the school and get in, because no information will be provided to anyone who is not currently a USF student interested in the program.