USF Study Concludes Conservative White Males Are Better Lovers, Decision Makers

USF Human Research Center – Hillsborough County – Tuesday, 6.11.19

A new study conducted by University of South Florida’s award winning sociology department has discovered that conservative white males between the ages 28 to 68, ranked as the best sex partners.

“We asked 8,000 women of all ages and ethnicities about their vaginas,” said Sociology Professor Wepa Vega. “An overwhelming amount said they trust conservative white males to know what to do with that little thing down there.”

I asked Vega if people should trust these results, but as soon as I asked she kicked me in the balls.

“I can’t talk to you here they are watching me, meet me in the bread aisles at the Winn-Dixie on Nebraska around noonish tomorrow,” she whispered into my ear before a group of guards carried me away and tossed me out of the window on the third story of the research center.

I landed hard on the pavement, breaking nearly every bone in my body. As I lay there crying in pain, the ghost of Jesus emerged and spoke with me, “My child you seem to be in a great deal of pain.”

“Why yes Jesus, can you help me?” I cried out through the pain.

“I cannot my child, for the conservative white males have decided you need to be able to afford health insurance and not the other way around,” Jesus smiled.

“What’s the other way around,” I said, still crying out in pain while attempting to move around my crushed limbs.

“I’m not sure if there is another way around,” Jesus said while walking away into oncoming traffic, causing a car to swerve out of the lane but not before clipping Jesus who then disappeared into a smoky evaporation upon impact.

The confused driver spun out of control, causing his Hummer H2 to roll and squash me into a splatter on the pavement.

This study was never actually conducted and everything in this article is fake and did not happen.