Conspiracies have flown around the internet for a while now that wealthy elites in power consume the blood of children who have been scared to release adrenaline. (This is something that people sincerely believe.)
We’re going to breakdown which party most-likely consumes more of this enriched blood.
Democrat: Great with image, everything is about perception with liberals, “doing the right thing,” “being on the right side,” truth doesn’t really matter, what matters is, “do people believe I’m telling the truth.” I’m not going to name any names, because I don’t want to be murdered (as if I haven’t already given them reason enough) so I’m just going to say, if it were true, they’d probably consume a lot.
Republican: Straight to the point, brass tax, boot-strap home-grown patriotic flag-lovers. Oil tycoons, God-fearing racists. (Not all of them.) Good cooks, hearty, wholesome, not very funny or clever. Jagoffs. Do they consume baby’s blood? Probably not as much as the Democrats. Or maybe it’s more? This article is based on nothing and is definitely not worth the squeeze. All I can hope is that the overlords who are forced to read this because “adrenochrome” pinged their Google alerts have a decent sense of humor. I don’t hate you, I’m not trying to stop you, I’m just having fun on the internet. I beg for mercy and I will do whatever you want to stay alive. Please don’t hurt me or anyone I know. (Sh*t I feel like I’m just giving them ideas.)
There’s no way I’m worse than the real conspiracy theorists. Those people are dangerous. Those people storm buildings and plot to do bad things. I don’t do anything. I sit at home quietly, waiting for the next time I get to go perform, whether it be for free or for money. I’m just a jester with no agenda and no clear direction or path in life. I say my prayers every night and ask for protection and direction and thank the lord for all I have and where I’ve gotten in my life. I never should’ve written this one, I can tell as I write it. Every sentence that goes by is one more nail in the coffin. Sorry I guess I’m just in a weird mood. (Is this still a news article?) People come to this site for the best fake news and I’m afraid I’m not delivering on this one. It’s ok. Some times we need to be vulnerable. I’m not always going to hit home runs. Usually I hit grand slams. Monster pieces of writing that are truly wonders of the world. Testaments to mankind’s greatness. But this one might not be that.
Actually it is, I’m a genius, I love my writing.
Conclusion: It’s a tie between Republicans and Democrats over who consumes more adrenochrome. Join us next week for “Cooking with adrenochrome” a new segment sponsored by Sriracha.