The spiked seltzer water conglomerate, White Claw, is sponsoring a year-end bash at Blake’s house this weekend in celebration of his super-senior graduation from University of Tampa.
“I spent many years patrolling the quad, checking out the hotties, and welcoming the newbs,” said Artie Basel, UT Spartan mascot and freshman favorite party connect. “I know this campus like I know the back of my White Claw can, and I’m real sad to see this journey end.”
Basel then cracked open two Black Cherry White Claws and tried pouring them both into his mouth at the same time. “I’ve replaced all the water in my body with hard seltzer so I have to drink two of these every 20 minutes if I want to stay alive.”
At that moment, a person wearing a giant White Claw can costume walked into the kitchen I was interviewing Basel in, holding a case of hard seltzer.
“Don’t be lame bro, chug one with me,” said Basel as he threw a can at me, “They are sponsoring the party tonight and you’ve got to come out,” Basel began undressing and pulled out a UT Spartan mascot costume from one of the cupoards. “When I first started coming to this school, we used to throw bottles of piss at the guy that wore the mascot costume, but ever since I got some school spirit in me, all I do is rock this costume.”
The three of us left to Blake’s party shortly after this exchange, we got into a White Claw freight truck and drove it to the party location.
“Blake lives pretty far off campus,” said the person wearing the White Claw can costume. I asked them if they could see anything in the costume, and it looked like they shook their head to say no.
Next thing we know the freight truck crashed into a house full of young partygoers, ejecting Basel through the front windshield and sending him flying into a couch made of White Claw boxes.
“The party is here!” He announced, then everyone cheered, and we got black out drunk. Congrats to all the graduates this week, let’s get wasted!