You’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s Horoscope said!

Bringing you the horoscope once again is our resident Horoscopologist, Chris Coon, and this week you’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s horoscope was!

Aries

While in a coffee shop across from an intellectual, you will unwittingly inspire a new wave of a political philosophy that will revolutionize 22nd century geopolitics. That philosophy: Ugly people should be forced to dig holes like from the movie Holes.

Taurus

You and your big handsome brown eyes own my hole. This is a bit haha. Not all of you have brown eyes though. If you have blue eyes you stink like weird cheese, and if you have green eyes congrats on being recessive I guess. Pea pod ass motherfucker.

Gemini

Steal from work more. No one likes you there anyway.

Cancer

You’re gonna cum so much during 2022. Just talking sheer volume of liquid. This is a symptom of heavy metal poisoning so please go to a doctor.

Leo

You are mortal and will rot. No amount of life lived or duration of life enjoyed can change this. Hopefully your remains are buried, though!

Virgo

None of your friends think about you when they masturbate. They also have a groupchat without you. On purpose.

Libra

You’ll cry during sex that you paid for with Tampa Coin ($TPA) this month which is weird because most people won’t hear about it until it goes to the moon a few years after this.

Scorpio

You will invent squilking this year which most people will only participate in begrudgingly.

Sagittarius

The meaning of life is inscribed in your urethra. Not sure that that will ever come in handy though? Like, how could that be useful? Name one way.

Capricorn

After the omega variant comes and goes, the cdc will use your full legal name to convince people the next big variant is worth avoiding. You will flip some anti-vaxxers too.

Aquarius

Check your gas tank for piss. The stars told me, Chris Coon, exactly where you live.

Pisces

If you drink cashew milk this month you’re going to wreck your car. So don’t drink cashew milk. Don’t drink it. I mean drink up if you wanna wreck your car but it’s not even that hard not to buy the weird milk. Just don’t! Jesus. Okay I mean technically you CAN buy it, it’s just drinking it that will make you crash your car, but I don’t know why you’d buy it after hearing about this so just drop it. God. AlsoI know of three local comics who want to date you.