Chuck Smith of Bradenton was caught up in a brutal stare-down on Tuesday with a miniscule green anole lizard identified in his yard.
Smith stepped outside his home for a moment planning to walk to his car, when all of the sudden he noticed a small lizard standing in front of his driveway. Smith flinched for a second, as the creature caught him off guard, then stopped to inspect the lizard who was staring directly at him.
“Hey there little fella, what are you doing there?”, Smith asked.
The lizard continued to stare at him menacingly.
“Haha” he chuckled. “You know I’m 10,000 times bigger than you, right?”
The lizard said nothing, continuing to hold its soul-piercing gaze.
“Wow, are you– are you trying to challenge me? Hah that’s so silly! I could hurt you with one step if I wanted to.”
The lizard did not respond.
“I mean I don’t want to… but I could. You’re lucky I’m not a predator, because I could eat you in one bite. Hah, in just one bite!”
The lizard looked at Smith uninterested, then began flashing a bright red dewlap from its throat.
“I could kill you in an instant. It’s incredible how fast I could kill you. And with such little effort. Hey, I could have even done it on accident if I didn’t see you there.”
The lizard made no comment, continuing to flash it’s dewlap in a warlike fashion. “I guess this is just what you do, right? This is just what lizards do.”
The lizard began performing heavy pushups intimidatingly.
“You know that I could crush your tiny fragile body with one movement and you’d be dead. I don’t even have to say that, we both know that. It’s obvious. What you’re doing is pointless. It’s pointless, right?!”
The lizard carried on with three extremely fast pushups in a row, followed by two slower pushups, followed by four extremely fast pushups.
“Oh god why are you still doing this?! Listen, I could take you in a fight right now, you know that right? I could kill you right now and this would all be over, right! RIGHT?!”
The lizard took a couple steps, then performed several swift pushups while maintaining direct eye contact.
“Oh god maybe I can’t do this. Do you know something I don’t?! How powerful are you?!”, Smith questioned fearfully.
The lizard continued its pushups, even faster now than ever before, all while locking eyes with Smith in a penetrating stone-cold stare.
“God, I need that confidence in my life. At least you’re standing up for yourself. Why am I so scared of people?! This is why Carol left me! I never should have taken that watch-making job at the watch factory! I wasted my life, just watching the time go by. Watching it slip through my hands onto the conveyor belt day after day. I wanted to be a baseball salesman! But dad didn’t think I was cut out for that. Maybe that’s why he never played catch with me” Smith reminisced, on the verge of tears. “Kevin in high school said this would happen to me! He said I’d be a failure! I always quit whatever I start. I let people walk all over me.”
The lizard provided no comment on the man’s confession.
“I’m a coward! A coward! Everyday I wake up fearing the world around me. Just wondering when this dark void of dread and chaos will end!”, Smith exclaimed as he began to cry. “I’m the one who walked outside! This is where you live! I’m the one that deserves to leave!”
The lizard paused for several moments. Then resumed its demonstration with a couple more pushups.
“You win lizard! You win!”, Smith stated as he lied down on the ground in despair and defeat.
The lizard saw a cockroach out of the corner of it’s eye, ran after it, and bit the insect’s abdomen. The cockroach, almost the size of the lizard itself, squirmed slightly trying to break free. It’s legs moved to and fro in desperate attempt for release, but the roach remained stuck in the lizard’s sturdy grip.
This was the happiest day of the lizard’s life.