Scott Baio elected mayor of Bradenton

Upon announcing a permanent move to Florida last month, saying he was leaving because of crime and homelessness in California, former Fonzie’s nephew Chachi and Sandy Hook hoax promoter Scott Baio has been appointed mayor of Bradenton.

“We had an election,” said Manatee County District Five Commissioner Vanessa Baugh, who has previously revealed herself to be an ethically compromised and disinterested public servant. “It was late last night at my house and there were only four of us there, but it was an election. We had a charcuterie board and everything.”

She said there was a good reason for the highly unorthodox emergency election.

“We have a chance to put former best friend of Willie Aames and accused abuser of Nicole Eggert and Alexander Polinsky ‘in charge’, like Charles. And if putting someone who practiced law under the name of Bob Loblaw in charge of Bradenton works as well as putting a former game show host in charge of America did, we’ll be in great shape!”

“I guess I’m fired,” said former mayor Gene Brown. “Because I can’t argue with that logic.”

Baio said his first act as mayor will be to get ‘WELCOME TO BRADENTON’ signs, since the only way to know you’re entering the city limits now is, “Seeing two-story buildings if you come in from Palmetto or noticing Sarasota gets kinda shitty when you’re near the airport if you approach from the south.”