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TPD arrest thousands of parents for letting children drink at Gasparilla Children’s Parade

Parents being arrested at Gasparilla Children's Parade

In what was supposed to be a nice booze-free afternoon with bead throwing and lollygagging, has turned in to a scene of adorable drunken display.

Kids as young as four-years-old were given bottles of alcohol by their parents to, “Enjoy the parade more,” said TPD spokeperson Miuers Pish, “I saw parents handing their kids baby bottles full of Baileys and whiskey,” 

Police were impressed by the drinking level and liver power of these kids, “Some kid asked me if I’d shotgun a beer with him,” said police officer Ethanano Royonos “I laughed and said yeah but then he tossed me a PBR and next thing I know I’m chugging this shit water. Damn kid tricked me into drinking shit water.”

“Yeah we replaced the beers for the cops with shit water and tried to see if they’d chug them with us,” said underage boy Elpers Junior Jr. “My last name is Junior and I’m also the second Elpers in my family.”

“That’s right I named my son after me,” said Elpers Junior Sr., “I like to do the things my my father never did with me, with my son. Mostly chugging beer, I wish someone would have taught me how to chug a beer at his age.”

When asked if he was okay with being arrested for doing something most people already knew was illegal, Junior Sr responded, “I’d do anything for my kid. If getting him drunk gets me arrested then well I hope I’ve made him happy, because my father would have never gotten arrested for me.”

The Childrens Gasparilla Parade is an alcohol free event, but only if you don’t get caught.


  1. Avatar AlcoholicsAnonymous on January 18, 2020 at 7:58 pm

    Not surprised. Tampa should be nominated for the city with the most Alcoholics. These people never went anywhere with their lives. They just drink & look for others to drink with daily.
    Now they need to scout the children to drink with them too.

    • Avatar RealityCheck on January 19, 2020 at 2:35 pm

      AA, you’re an idiot. This is clearly satire and parody. Please take your lack of self control and your brainwashing ideas and move yourself and all AA members to an island far away from the rest of society. You are a danger to yourself and others. Also, you can’t recognize a joke which means you’re a danger to everyone else’s mental health. Please stop projecting you issues onto others. You do have a problem, alcoholism is not a disease, its a lack of will power and self control. Grow up and stop blaming your problems something you made up and cannot control, that’s so lazy. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. If you really want accurate news reporting I recommend checking out The Onion and having a drink 🙂 Cheers!

    • Avatar 24 chromosomes? on January 19, 2020 at 8:02 pm

      how many syndromes are you down Alcoholic anonymous/?

  2. Avatar FuckAA on January 19, 2020 at 2:58 pm

    ^ Spoken like a true bitch

  3. Avatar Bert on January 19, 2020 at 7:04 pm

    Psssh! Nonsensth! I purposely didn’t let them snot nose brats to drink so is responsible parents can show them how to drive us home safely.