Posts Tagged ‘Ron Desantis’
DeSantis DeNounces ‘Woke Baseball Classic’, Declares USA Winner
Last night in Miami, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a proclamation honoring the team representing the United States in the recently completed World Baseball Classic as the rightful winners of the global tournament. “I don’t care what the scoreboard said, baseball is America’s game, America is number one and America is the winner,” he said,…
Read MoreDeSantis visits local Thigh restaurant
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis visited Tampa yesterday for the express purpose of dining at Si-Am Thaimerican Restaurant on Franklin Street downtown. “Man, do I love some good Thigh food. The authentic stuff, like the Thigh people make in Thighland. Pad Thigh is probably my favorite. I also like Thigh Spring Rolls, Thigh Salad, Thigh-style Chicken…
Read MoreTrump endorses Clearwater pizzeria
Former or current President of the United States Donald Trump has offered his enthusiastic support of Sonny’s Pizza, a small pizza and subs shop in Clearwater. “He approached us, not vice-versa, which is wild,” said owner Tim “Sonny” Schwartz. “Apparently he called lots of pizza places in Florida before reaching us. I guess we got…
Read MoreDeSantis has new favorite comic strip
Florida governor Ron DeSantis recently discovered the syndicated comic strip ‘Dilbert’, and it has immediately become his favorite. “It’s just so funny! Look at him, with his tie flipping upward. Whose tie does that? Not mine, that’s for sure. Dilbert’s, that’s who! Ha ha ha!” he said, reiterating that he thinks the strip is funny.…
Read MoreDeSantis marked safe from February
Top Florida State security officials have confirmed that Governor Ron DeSantis has survived the month of February, also known as “Black History Month”, unscathed. “There are still a few hours left, but we’re pretty sure he’ll make it,” said Florida State Police spokesperson Lou Scannon. “The odds of him being exposed to any references to…
Read MoreDeSantis Announces Teen Menstrual Blood Collection Program
In an effort to ban trans youth from playing school sports, teen girls will now be forced to personally supply Florida Governor Ron DeSantis with a vial of menstrual blood every month. “It’s the only way to make sure that no chicks with dicks are taking advantage of the sacred pastime that is school sports,”…
Read MoreFDOT closes MLK roads throughout Florida
The Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) has closed all streets, roads, boulevards and avenues named after the honorable Dr. Martin Luther King throughout the state immediately. “To be clear, we want to make sure everyone knows this is not an edict that came down from the Governor as a stance against Critical Road Theory,” said…
Read MoreMan regales local bar patrons with crazy story: “I could have beaten DeSantis”
A stranger wandered into a bar in St. Petersburg last night and proceeded to entertain patrons with a wild tall tale. “I don’t know who that dude is, but he’s hilarious,” said Todd Filbert, who happened to be among the small crowd at Stankbooty’s Taproom on Central Avenue. “He was really telling some whoppers!” The…
Read MoreGovernor DeSantis sends National Guard to Gasparilla
This morning, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis ordered The National Guard to the Gasparilla Festival in Tampa, citing that the foreign invaders pose a national security risk. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” DeSantis said while ordering the National Guard to dig a moat around the Governors Mansion. Although critics of the DeSantis Administration were quick to…
Read MoreTrump too smart to fall for DeShenantisanigans
As division widens between top Republican leaders former President Donald Trump and recently re-elected Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, tensions between the two men on a personal level are rising. At a recent “We’re In This Together Breakfast & Lunch But Definitely Not Brunch Because That’s Gay” event held at the prestigious Denny’s on Dale Mabry…
Read More