Posts by Taylor Cuzino
Jane Castor is the one-woman show behind the City of Tampa’s hellishly paced firework show
Jane Castor was a one woman show last night at Tampa’s “Boom By the Bay” Fourth of July firework show. The mayor manned the Hillsborough River barge all on her own. All the pyrotechnic folks were said to have “called off because they wanted to watch the show.” The City of Tampa’s firework spectacular started…
Read MoreRon DeSantis eats poop
According to a Tallahassee neighbor of the Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is on a poop-eating rampage. The source requests to remain anonymous but provided an alias; Timmy Bananas says, “I looked over my fence one day while I was tending to my orange tree, only to see Ron on all fours with his head in…
Read MoreRon DeSantis can’t find a therapist
Florida Governor and adult toddler, Ron DeSantis, feels as hopeless as ever. His longtime pal, Rush Limbaugh, died of cancer. DeSantis ordered Florida’s flags to be lowered in honor of the conservative radio host. However, Florida Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried, St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman and the Palm Beach County Commission all ignored his order.…
Read MoreRon DeSantis looks for a sugar mama at Publix
In January, Ron DeSantis began frequenting checkout lines and ice cream aisles of Publix grocery stores to schmooze the states’ feeblest citizens.
Read MoreTampa PD adopts new traffic checkpoint procedures
Over the weekend, Tampa Police Department tested out a new system for traffic checkpoints. Instead of looking for drunk drivers to arrest and keep roads safe, officers handed out hard seltzers. No need to be alarmed, though. When drivers were suspected of being drunk, they were given a breathalyzer to check their BACs. Officers had…
Read MoreRon DeSantis werks the phones at the unemployment hotline
“Hey, baby. This is Ronny D. speaking. You know what the D stands for. What are you wearing?”
Read MoreFlorida’s COVID-19 dashboard now advertises Publix sandwich deals instead of case numbers
In a shocking announcement this afternoon, Governor Ron DeSantis, held a press conference to inform citizens that the Department of Health (DoH) would be “tracking when our beloved Publix subs are on sale,” he put on his mask and whispered quietly, “instead of when people die.” Since the beginning of the pandemic, Florida’s COVID-19 dashboard…
Read MoreSinkhole aliens show up for early voting
Today marks the start of early voting in Florida. Experts expect a record turnout after more than 25 million citizens in other states have already gone to the polls. In early October, a sinkhole opened up in Trinity on Little Road in front of Varsity Club Sports Bar. Since its inception, officials say the sinkhole…
Read MoreRon DeSantis officially dumber than a bag of rocks
This past week, Florida governor, Ron DeSantis announced an executive order allowing restaurants and bars to return to 100% capacity. All businesses previously closed due to the pandemic are permitted to reopen. As of the publishing of this article, over 14,000 Floridians have died of COVID-19. Additionally, in the last seven days, almost 16,000 people…
Read MoreTrump’s Peepee Tape Surfaces; Governor Ron DeSantis Makes an Appearance
BREAKING: Donald Trump’s rumored “Peepee Tape” has finally surfaced. This comes after the president reportedly said, “Vladimir Putin’s pets are dumb and stinky.” It seems Putin has been waiting to release this exclusive VHS for when Trump inevitably offended the Russian president. In the video, which lasts for 23 minutes, President Trump dons a long…
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