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Ron DeSantis eats poop

Poop eater

According to a Tallahassee neighbor of the Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is on a poop-eating rampage. The source requests to remain anonymous but provided an alias; Timmy Bananas says, “I looked over my fence one day while I was tending to my orange tree, only to see Ron on all fours with his head in…

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Ron DeSantis can’t find a therapist

Ron and the empty chair

Florida Governor and adult toddler, Ron DeSantis, feels as hopeless as ever. His longtime pal, Rush Limbaugh, died of cancer. DeSantis ordered Florida’s flags to be lowered in honor of the conservative radio host. However, Florida Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried, St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman and the Palm Beach County Commission all ignored his order.…

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Tampa PD adopts new traffic checkpoint procedures

Over the weekend, Tampa Police Department tested out a new system for traffic checkpoints. Instead of looking for drunk drivers to arrest and keep roads safe, officers handed out hard seltzers. No need to be alarmed, though. When drivers were suspected of being drunk, they were given a breathalyzer to check their BACs. Officers had…

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Sinkhole aliens show up for early voting

Pasco County Early Voter

Today marks the start of early voting in Florida. Experts expect a record turnout after more than 25 million citizens in other states have already gone to the polls. In early October, a sinkhole opened up in Trinity on Little Road in front of Varsity Club Sports Bar. Since its inception, officials say the sinkhole…

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Ron DeSantis officially dumber than a bag of rocks

The Scales of Dumbness

This past week, Florida governor, Ron DeSantis announced an executive order allowing restaurants and bars to return to 100% capacity. All businesses previously closed due to the pandemic are permitted to reopen. As of the publishing of this article, over 14,000 Floridians have died of COVID-19. Additionally, in the last seven days, almost 16,000 people…

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