New Bay Area business offers inexpensive makeovers for children

For centuries, parents of unattractive children have struggled for a solution to their plight. Now KidWrap, a new company out of Brandon has come along with what may be the solution!

“It’s pretty simple, really,” said owner Brad Floont. “Much like wrapping a motor vehicle, which consists of several huge vinyl decals that are applied to every panel of your car—the hood, doors, fenders, roof, decklid, and bumper covers, covering every square inch of the vehicle’s body, KidWrapping is smaller vinyl decals that cover the ugly panels of a child. Usually, mostly the face part but in extreme cases of hideous kids, more extensive coverage is used.”

“Even in those extreme cases, the decals are considerably smaller than what would be needed for a car, so, cheap!”

“This is perfect for parents who think their kids are flawed in some way. Too big of a forehead, janky teeth, eyes too far apart, whatever. Nobody can be expected to compete with parents with pretty kids when you’re dragging a troglodyte like that around,” said Floont. “Sure, most kids eventually outgrow those kinds of awkward features but who has time for that? And any plastic surgeon worth a shit is going to turn away anybody looking for unnecessary elective cosmetic enhancement procedures to be performed on a child. What option is left for those parents? None! Except, now: us! Come on out to our shop in Brandon and let one of our KidWrappers go to work on your precious little babies!”

“In a few years, just peel the wrap and you’re now beautiful swan-child will look better than brand new, probably!”

When asked if there was any risk involved, he said, “Sure, there’s always the possibility that the decal doesn’t line up exactly right with the kid’s nose and mouth holes and they suffocate, but we offer a guarantee that won’t happen, because if it does, the KidWrapper responsible is guaranteed to get fired. That’s our promise to you!”