Amalie Arena management may take drastic steps in response to Lightning skid

Following an 8-1 loss to the Dallas Stars on Saturday afternoon, their fourth in a row and fifth in the last six games, Amalie Arena management is considering some extremely drastic measures to deal with this current run of poor performance.

“We don’t want to do it, believe me,” said Manager of Part-Timers Jason Birchfoldt. “But we might have to go back to providing good customer service.”

When owner Jeff Vinik bought the franchise in 2010, the team was consistently mired in year after year of losing hockey. In order to upgrade the experience for patrons visiting the arena, extensive steps were taken to upgrade the overall level of customer service. As the team has improved, becoming a perennial playoff contender and winners of two Stanley Cup championships, that aspect has become less and less of a focus for the organization.

“We in the front office wish we could spend more time sitting around and smelling our own farts and telling ourselves how great we are, but I guess this is the nature of pro sports. Nothing lasts forever and you can’t count on the players to do all of your work for you,” he said sighing. “The fans are gonna expect something from us and we’re not going to be able to lean on how good the team is. It’s gonna be like the old days.”

“Fuck!” he added.

“Maybe we could delay the inevitable for a while by requiring the part-timers to sing and dance upon command. That would be easier and cheaper than motivating them with recognition and expressing appreciation for jobs well-done, like we used to, believe me” he said. “I feel like I keep saying ‘believe me’ and you don’t believe me. I get that a lot.”