Posts by Chris Coon
TNF Horoscopes romance edition!
Here’s some nifty tricks and tips to find the person of your dreams! Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s 14th best astrologer Chris Coon! Aries: Keep considering yourself hot enough to be desired. Your self-image and confidence have a tangible effect on other people’s perception of you, and tastes vary wider than you might think. Also your…
Read MoreHoroscopes from Tampa’s only gender-fluid astrologist
Aries Mercury is in retrograde for you this month. Not the planet. The Roman god of commerce, transit, messages, and the immortal guide to the afterlife. He will personally cause you to backslide deeper into your creepy fanfic addiction. But Mercury will also give you the gift of prophecy. You’ll think, “Oh gosh I bet…
Read MoreUh oh! TNF Retraction! Tampa News Force forlornly retracts recent article after facts involved revealed to be true and accurate
Hello Tampa News Force Readership, what can we say? I think first we should say that we are sorry. Truly sorry. When we published our recent article: “Local Tampa Bay Open Micer Plans To Fly To Ukraine To Bomb Over There,” we did not realize the nature of the situation. Specifically we did not realize…
Read MoreMayor of St Petersburg announces special military operation in Odessa, Fl.
St Petersburg’s mayor, Kenneth T Welch said the following a brief statement to the press: “Нам не чуждо любить Ты знаешь правила, как и я В полном объем о чём я думаю Ты не получишь это от другого парня Я просто хочу рассказать тебе, что я чувствую Я чувствую, что должен дать тебе понять” and…
Read MoreYou’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s Horoscope said!
Bringing you the horoscope once again is our resident Horoscopologist, Chris Coon, and this week you’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s horoscope was! Aries While in a coffee shop across from an intellectual, you will unwittingly inspire a new wave of a political philosophy that will revolutionize 22nd century geopolitics. That philosophy: Ugly people should…
Read MoreNew themed restaurant in Ybor first in Tampa to be 100% flooded
Good News, Gourmands! A new restaurant, The Crusted Tripe & Busted Pipe has debuted in Ybor City on the corner of 15th St and Ninth Ave, making it Tampa Bay’s first and so far only 100% flooded restaurant. No longer do fine diners looking for the classic “flooded restaurant date” have to go to Orlando,…
Read MoreLetter from IRS bodes poor for TNF writer’s future
An email from the IRS was sent to TNF writer Chris Coon, and we’ve published the message in it’s entirety here: From The Internal Revenue Service: To Christopher Coon, CEO of “Chris Coon’s Flimsy Alligator Tax Shelter,” I am hereby denying the tax exempt status of your organization. Your mission statement: “Alligators should be more…
Read MoreHoroscopes from the worst astrologist on earth: Chris Coon – Week of December 5, 2021
Aries The big highlight of your month: 5 total hugs. Taurus You’ll kiss a boy for the first time this month. F****t. Gemini You’ll manage to pull so much of a blog or podcast out of the next job that will fire you. Cancer Vampires are real. They told me about you. You specifically. I…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #7 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of August 1
Aries Hey Aries, Damn, your whole fuckin’ shit is in retrograde, dude. Fuck. Sorry man. Taurus Good news! They found the cure for acid reflux—a deep and friend-alienating love of our Dear Lord Jesus Christ who Died For Our Sins. You’ll lose a lot of friends and decorate your apartment in a really annoying way.…
Read MoreTop Eleven quotations of Hindu scripture by J. Robert Oppenheimer that aren’t nuclear! #9 will shock you!!
“I am Become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” – J. Robert Oppenheimer famously said this after a weird day at work. We all know J Robert Oppenheimer loved to quote Hindu scripture whenever he doomed the world to its own permanent nuclear hostage situation, but what you don’t know, is that that goofy scientist was…
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