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TNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #7 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of August 1



Hey Aries, Damn, your whole fuckin’ shit is in retrograde, dude. Fuck. Sorry man.


Good news! They found the cure for acid reflux—a deep and friend-alienating love of our Dear Lord Jesus Christ who Died For Our Sins. You’ll lose a lot of friends and decorate your apartment in a really annoying way.


You will feel like the penguins at the zoo can tell how you feel inside. This will make you want to go home. The penguins at the zoo will be able to see your self-image (sorry) but on the bright side they will still be mostly thinking about eating fish and avoiding seals.


You will hear a snapple fact that states that 10% of stroke victims in the united states are under 45, which is coincidental. The stars indicate that you will not die “of a stroke” but rather you will die “unfulfilled.”


If it ever comes up, no one will believe that you could be capable of killing your wife. What you do with this information is your business. I derived this information from orbits as well as comets and the like.


There are some people with “saxophone energy.” You will NEVER be one of them.


You cry bad. Like, wow. Jesus. Like, when you cry you initially elicit empathy but that soon fades into a “yuck” sort of feeling. Yeesh. That’s July/August for you


There’s a word that would perfectly encapsulate your gender performance but you’ll never run into it based on the way you live your life. Whoops.


You have the face of a crook. You look scheme-y. Like a schemer. Like a plotter, but not as successful as a plotter. No one would describe you as a planner.


You know that thing you’re insecure about? It is actually mildly noticeable.


Preternaturally forgettable. Like wow. The whole next month is people who added your instagram wondering how they know you.


The next month will be about par-for-the-course for your life. Sorry to break the news to you this way. U up?

Chris Coon

About Chris Coon

Dedicated Truth-Writer bringing you the Story of the Facts.