Horoscope
TNF Horoscopes romance edition!
Here’s some nifty tricks and tips to find the person of your dreams! Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s 14th best astrologer Chris Coon! Aries: Keep considering yourself hot enough to be desired. Your self-image and confidence have a tangible effect on other people’s perception of you, and tastes vary wider than you might think. Also your…
Read MoreHoroscopes from Tampa’s only gender-fluid astrologist
Aries Mercury is in retrograde for you this month. Not the planet. The Roman god of commerce, transit, messages, and the immortal guide to the afterlife. He will personally cause you to backslide deeper into your creepy fanfic addiction. But Mercury will also give you the gift of prophecy. You’ll think, “Oh gosh I bet…
Read MoreYou’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s Horoscope said!
Bringing you the horoscope once again is our resident Horoscopologist, Chris Coon, and this week you’ll never believe what Tom Brady’s horoscope was! Aries While in a coffee shop across from an intellectual, you will unwittingly inspire a new wave of a political philosophy that will revolutionize 22nd century geopolitics. That philosophy: Ugly people should…
Read MoreHoroscopes from the worst astrologist on earth: Chris Coon – Week of December 5, 2021
Aries The big highlight of your month: 5 total hugs. Taurus You’ll kiss a boy for the first time this month. F****t. Gemini You’ll manage to pull so much of a blog or podcast out of the next job that will fire you. Cancer Vampires are real. They told me about you. You specifically. I…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #7 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of August 1
Aries Hey Aries, Damn, your whole fuckin’ shit is in retrograde, dude. Fuck. Sorry man. Taurus Good news! They found the cure for acid reflux—a deep and friend-alienating love of our Dear Lord Jesus Christ who Died For Our Sins. You’ll lose a lot of friends and decorate your apartment in a really annoying way.…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #6 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of June 14
Aries Hey Aries, what’s up! Oh man looks like you’re still gonna be despondent all month but I cannot for the life of me figure out why. There’s something on the tip of my tongue tho. It’s almost like forgetting something at the grocery store y’know? Golly gee I’m close to it. Anyway circle back…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #4 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of May 18
Aries Based on my assessment of the stars here, hold on let me look at Pluto, ok still in the same house, ok, um hmm… no just one sec…. ah yes! Your future soulmate just died. Oh, ouch I’m sorry, dude. Uhhh hold on, stay tuned though, I feel bad. I’ll try to find you…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes. Week of April 18
Aries Let’s get serious about your life for a minute, but only for a minute. Once the minute is done you can go back to drinking and partying. Taurus This will be your week to prove to everyone that your internal energy can be used for good, or for making decent cupcakes. Gemini That thing…
Read MoreTNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #4 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of April 11
Aries This month, Seriously, SERIOUSLY, keep your fetishes to yourself. Not gonna happen. Taurus AIDS. Gemini This month, you’re going to either slip a disc at your job, but be denied disability, or get a killer beej. One of the two. Cancer The best part of your upcoming month will be the $28 you find…
Read MoreBay Area psychic predicts “more of the same” in 2020
The Amazing Desdamona, widely considered Tampa Bay’s most accurate psychic, has predicted that the year 2020 will be very similar to the year 2019. “It’s going to be a very good year for some people, mostly people who had a very good year last year. Also same thing for people who had a bad 2019;…
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