New designer cigarettes cure cancer
Smoke-O’s silly cigs, a new line of cigarettes, launched by the acclaimed Smoke-O’s brand, are boldly claiming that they can now cure cancer.
“Here at Smoke-O’s we have scientists working ‘round the clock, to help find ways to bring you the smoothest, most refreshing, smokes on the market. By a matter of accident and science, the boys in the lab have created an unparalleled smoke, which has been proven, beyond a doubt, to cure any and all cancers one can have.”
Read a statement from Smoke-O’s corporate department located in Wichaku Moynihan, Columbia.
Early reviews of Smoke-O’s new silly cigs say that the cigarettes are actually more harmful than any cigarettes before. And they cause much more cancer and new cancers that were previously undiscovered. Smoke-O’s has a disclaimer on their website reading, “Smoke-O’s is not liable for their new silly cigs causing worse cancers than before. It’s not our fault.”
The disclaimer, legally, protects Smoke-O’s from any liability.
Bobby Derpo, has chain-smoked 4,000 packs of the new silly cigs since they’ve been released and he is now in a wheelchair after having both of his legs amputated.
“The silly cigs made my legs turn bright pink and they pulsed with neon green blood. That made me think something was wrong, so I went to the hospital, and my hunch was correct, because my legs had now been filled with what Smoke-O’s is calling, ‘tender juice’ a combination of bile and lactic acid, which combined becomes extremely deadly and catastrophic for your body. I’m not mad at Smoke-O’s though, I still smoke silly cigs, and I plan to smoke them for the rest of my hopefully long, and fruitful existence.” Said Derpo
Procto Labs, conducted an independent study on the new silly cigs and found that they contain trace amounts of blurmanium, an element which is found in micro toxins emitted from sea urchins.
“On a list of things deadly to humans, blurmanium is literally number 1 on that list, and it should never, ever, be ingested under any circumstances. That being said, our study also confirmed that silly cigs are very delicious and smooth though, so we understand the appeal and the calculated risks one must weigh when smoking them.” Reported Dr. Biln Eye, of Procto Labs.
This has been a paid advertisement for Smoke-O’s new silly cigs. Tampa News Force was given 3 cartons of silly cigs in exchange for writing this article. Smoke-O’s gave us free range to write whatever we want because they claimed they were, “too powerful to be taken down no matter what is written about them, by who, in any circumstance, for the rest of eternity.”
And we agree. They are much too strong for their business ever to be hurt. People will continue to be addicted forever and consume their products in record numbers annually. Goodnight folks. And remember to take a puff on some Smoke-O’s and blow it into your children’s faces as you lay them down to sleep tonight. Smoke-O’s, a family corporation.
