How to be the most attractive person in any room
Science has proven that Tampa News Force readers are 33% more attractive than the average person. So odds are you’re probably doing fine. But if you’re looking to be, undeniably, the most attractive person in any room you enter, follow these tips
- Demonstrate wealth
Dress extravagantly everywhere you go. Long coat, multiple jewel-encrusted rings, peacock feather hat, multi-colored boots. Have hundred-dollar-bills half-tucked into your pockets, with the 100 visibly peaking out of the top. Constantly talk about how much money you have and all the expensive things you own. People are impressed by money, because they want it so bad.
- Mention your famous friends
Tell people you’re friends with award-winning actors and musicians. Tech billionaires. Make up stories about famous people you’ve never met before, that sound realistic.
“Elon Musk makes the best grilled-cheese sandwich when he’s drunk at 2 AM.”
“One time Bill Gates accidentally hit a tennis ball at a rare cockatoo during sunset in Fiji.”
People eat that stuff right up.
Tell them you could probably introduce them.
“If you spend enough time around my place you’ll probably bump into Brad (Pitt), he loves to stop by on weeknights to go over his newest projects with me and get my input.”
Tell people that you are very-soon-to-be-famous, and that any day now they will probably see you in Martin Scorsese’s newest film, if your scene makes the final cut.
- Be tall
Heights is one of the most desirable traits, and you can make yourself taller in a variety of convenient ways.
Tie your arms and legs to the bumpers of two cars facing opposite directions. Have them both speed off at the same time, and this will stretch you taller.
You can also wear platform shoes, or you can hold parties in space, where gravity is not as strong, so you’re joints will slightly elongate.
There’s no excuse in this modern age not to be tall, so make sure you’re at least 6’5 at all times.
- Have large genitals
Guy, girl, non-binary, it doesn’t matter what gender/sex you are, have large genitals. People are viscerally attracted to others with large sex organs. Wear tight clothing which accentuate the outlines of these giblets. Get surgeries, or wear pads which create optical illusions. If you want to be attractive, this is a must. Not having large genitals, is not an option.
- Have good symmetrical facial bone structure
Your face must be appealing if you want to be attractive. Make sure it looks good at all costs. Make up, skin peels, laser enhancements, bone restructure, silicone masks, lighting angles, selfie height. Your face must look like something that others would want to rub their genitals on. Rigid lines. Tightness. Smoothness. Plump lips. Pristine forehead. You need to look like a beautiful work of art. If you refuse to put in the work to have a lovely face you might as well just stay under your bed covers. The world wants beauty and you need to give it to them.
If you can put all of these things together, there is no doubt you will be the most attractive person in the room at all times. Or if you do it wrong, you will look like a mutant.
