Posts by Josh Santos
Sex With Pregnant Women Now Illegal in Florida
Now that life begins at conception, sex with pregnant women will be considered sexual battery on a minor. “New and expecting parents will be required by law to sign a form stating they didn’t engage in any sexual contact after discovering the pregnancy.” Said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a press conference where he signed…
Read MoreBrewery Explosion Causes Beer to Rain Down on Certain Parts of Largo County
An explosion at the Hidden Sun Brewery in Downtown Largo momentarily caused beer to rain down over certain parts of the fourth largest city in Tampa Bay. “I was strolling with my baby on one of the 640 acres of park land in Largo when the rains started coming in,” said Shannon McBeel, a new…
Read MorePete Davidson Buys Tampa News Force
Pete Davidson of SNL fame has announced plans to purchase the majority ownership of THIS PUBLICATION! [Tampa News Force] “I’ve been trying to find new things to get my mind off of the crazy stuff happening to me right now,” said Davidson during a heavy weed smoking session with current TNF owner, OJ Simpson “I…
Read MoreExposure to Senator Rick Scott Cited as Leading Cause of Monkeypox
During a recent survey of people infected with Monkeypox, over 85% of respondents said that the Florida Senator, Rick Scott, was the last person they had physically come in contact with before experiencing symptoms. “I met him at a press event, and we hooked up,” said Everett Estreya, a 27-year-old intern for CNN. “After he…
Read MoreAugust 23rd Primary in Florida Could Decide Which Democrat Will Lose to Ron DeSantis
Agricultural Commissioner, Nikki Fried, pathetically gathered a small and unnoticeable cluster of people to complain about her leftist talking points. “Florida could really use some legal weed right about now,” said Fried to her supporters. “I don’t understand it. All these old ass people come to this state to die, and they don’t want to…
Read MoreRick Scott Touts New Abortion Alternative
“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters. “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions. “If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.” Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number.…
Read MoreTampa Based Cryptocurrency Ranked Most Stable in the World
A Tampa-based cryptocurrency is being hailed for its inventive new strategy that has crypto experts in disbelief. While most cryptocurrencies are backed by absolutely nothing, Tampa’s very own official cryptocurrency, Tampa Coin, has managed to tie its value algorithm with the probability of Tampa sports teams winning games. “When Tampa Coin was created, it was…
Read MoreFlorida’s High-Speed Rail Project Actually Just Another Express Lane
After receiving multimillion-dollar grant to help build a high-speed rail to connect Miami to Orlando and Tampa, the Florida Department of Transportation has changed the wording on its project scope. “Instead of a train, people will use their own personal vehicles, and instead of a rail we will have another lane that people will have…
Read MoreSidewalk Improvements Begin On Most Unwalkable part of Tampa
As part of a transportation improvement initiative, Hillsborough county is set to receive millions in funding to add hundreds of miles of walkable pavement to the least walked neighborhoods in the area. “It takes half an hour to walk from my apartment to the entrance to this community,” said Ellen Puggy, a recent transplant from…
Read MoreCougars Find New Loophole
The cougar exhibit at Busch Gardens has some exciting new curious cats that have recently found a new loophole in their habitat. “We installed climbing ropes in the containment enclosure to simulate the type of climbing cougars find in the wild,” said Busch Gardens’ head of cougar rehabilitation, McDanish Brekfestret. “Instead of using the ropes,…
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