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Delta Alpha Beta Variant Emerges at USF Tampa

Frat Guys

“It came on so suddenly,” said Mike Penlip, a sophmore at USF in Tampa. “I had this overwhelming urge to binge the Joe Rogan Experience.” Penlip was your average hardworking USF student. He was studying Accounting with a minor in Finance. All of his extracurricular activities were academic, and he took school very seriously. He…

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President Trump Accidentally Trips on Mushrooms in St. Petersburg

Trump hugs tree

President Trump took a brief lunch break at a pop up gluten free and raw vegan biscuit stand last week, after holding an embarrassing rally in St. Petersburg, Florida. The owner of the stand is Pimento Teaspoon, a Portland transplant, who moved to Florida to find himself after tripping on acid this one time. President…

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St Pete Woman Reads Shampoo Labels on the Toilet

Reading a shampoo bottle

Rebecca Velvet, a 27 year old resident of Old Northeast, explains that she’s recently ditched her cell phone in favor of old school toilet entertainment. “Get this,” she says. “Take a caca. Grab a shampoo bottle. Read the label. BOOM – the 90’s!” Velvet says this new bathroom routine has heaps of unexpected benefits. One…

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Tampa Man Only Gets His News From Satire Magazines

Tampa New Force fan and avid reader, Will Green, refuses to consume mainstream media. For the last 5 years, his news has exclusively come from TNF, but also sometimes The Onion.  “I just don’t buy into the lizard people’s narrative anymore. Satire is for the people.” Green explains he can no longer relate to mainstream…

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Local comic proud of his 15 minutes of super original new COVID material

Alas! After performing the same 10 minutes for the last 7 years, Tampa Bay open mic-er Walter Wingman finally found some new inspiration. While many have found Corona Virus to be an utter travesty, Wingman feels differently. “I’ve literally never felt so creative in my entire life,” he says.  Wingman chuckles as he explains that,…

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Kanye to feature Trump and Biden on upcoming new release

At the end of July, Kanye West will be releasing a new track which is to feature both President Trump and Joe Biden. It’s poised to be the hottest song of the decade. Alas, a song so important, Apple released a push notification which took precedence over Amber and weather alerts alike. Never in the…

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Furries making a comeback, thanks to COVID-19

It’s no secret that safe sex has been a bit dicey since the COVID pandemic began earlier this year. New York City health officials even went so far as to recommend residents practice COVID-safe sex, through use of a “wall” (aka a glory hole). The porn industry seems to be particularly at risk for COVID…

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