Rebecca Velvet, a 27 year old resident of Old Northeast, explains that she’s recently ditched her cell phone in favor of old school toilet entertainment.
“Get this,” she says. “Take a caca. Grab a shampoo bottle. Read the label. BOOM – the 90’s!”
Velvet says this new bathroom routine has heaps of unexpected benefits. One being a deep sense of peaceful nostalgia. Another being the significant reduction of fuckboys in her Tinder inbox because that’s ten less minutes of swiping per day. She also feels more intimately connected to her shampoo now, spiritually, because she feels she understands the shampoo on a cellular level.
“For ten glorious minutes a day, I transcend back to the 90’s. A simpler time when things weren’t… you know… this.” Velvet vaguely gestures, and then runs off into the abyss. Presumably to cry, but also maybe just for dramatic effect. She told me at least 18 times that she was a Leo, so she loves drama and attention because Leo is also her rising and her moon. I’m totally not hating though, because I have a stellium in Leo. Do you even know astrology, bro?
I probably shouldn’t call you bro because Tampa News Force is a serious news publication, and it’s getting super weird and meta that I’m talking to you, the reader, in this manner. But seriously… has 2020 been okay for you, bro? Do you need a hug?
Go find a shampoo bottle and read the label on a toilet. I guarantee the nostalgia may or may not make you feel better for 10 minutes.