Shopping
Action figure causes twenty million children to kill themselves
The new Super Ducky Skateboard doll has lead to the deaths of over twenty million children aged 2-17 over the course of 6 months. Ever since its release, the Super Ducky Skateboard doll has created unrealistic skateboarding standards that children just cannot replicate, no matter how hard they try or train. “The doll is able…
Read MoreWhat kind of hammer should you buy?
One thing you often hear from gun advocates in the wake of a mass shooting is, “guns aren’t at fault; it could have just as easily been a psycho with a hammer”. And just because that never happens doesn’t mean they’re wrong. You are just as subject to being the victim of a mass hammering…
Read MoreNew Store in Tampa Lets Customers Dig Through Landfill
Shoppers around Tampa Bay are flocking to this trendy open-air market, offering outrageously marked down prices on items people have thrown away. Hotpit is the latest overstock items and returns store to open in Tampa. The store features a football field size staging area where customers are encouraged to rip open trash bags to find…
Read MoreTampa woman shames daughter for helping someone
Clarissa Faircloth of Tampa is recovering from a severe shaming received via text message from her mother after helping someone pay for their groceries yesterday. “Wow. Not the reaction I was expecting, that’s for sure,” she said. Faircloth was shopping at the Publix at Hillsboro Plaza and found herself behind a woman at the checkout…
Read MoreTampa News Force official 2021 holiday gift guide
It’s holiday season once again, when you disappoint your loved ones with the things you buy for them instead of your actions and life choices, like the rest of the time. In an ultimately futile effort to minimize the damage you’re going to incur/cause, we proudly present the 2021 edition of the Tampa News Force…
Read MorePartially treated Wastewater ranked more delicious than Aquafina
A recent blind taste test conducted in Tampa concluded that the partially treated wastewater that gets dumped in Hillsborough river is more delicious than bottled water brand Aquafina. “What did you say this was?” Asked Michael Beech, one of the taste test participants. “Partially treated wastewater,” said Shellard Pimblo, one of the organizers of the…
Read MorePublix to begin carpetbagging groceries
A new bagging policy at Publix is causing some concerns with customers who are not sure what “carpetbagging” means. “From what I’ve gathered in my quick Google search, it’s some political term,” said Publix bagger Jeni Richards. “They didn’t really train us on it, so I brought this strip of carpet from my house and…
Read MoreHot tub retailer in Clearwater observes 20th anniversary of national tragedy with hot tub sale
Spa Manufacturers, Inc., a company that makes and sells hot tubs and swim spas in Clearwater is commemorating the solemn occasion of remembering the four coordinated terrorist attacks carried out by al-Qaeda, an Islamist extremist group, that occurred on the morning of September 11, 2001, which killed 2,977 people, including 412 emergency workers, with a…
Read MoreGuy who never wears hats inundated with ads for hats
Robert Mitchell of Tampa is someone who doesn’t wear hats, yet all of his social media feeds are filled with advertising for hats for some reason. “I understand how algorithms and targeted marketing works, but this doesn’t make any sense”, he said. “I think I probably own a hat or two but for practical purposes,…
Read MoreTampa’s Top 5 Roadside Merchants
Hey, remember when you had to get in your car and drive to some fancy store with a display window and electric lights and like, a door or something, inside of some bourgeois mall like an asshole if you ever wanted to buy something? And then along came Web Sites® where you could buy anything…
Read More