Posts Tagged ‘Governor Ron Desantis’
DeSantis scolds West Tampa Little Leaguer for wearing cup
A visibly annoyed Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis admonished a catcher for the West Tampa All-Stars on Saturday for wearing a protective cup prior to a Little League game. DeSantis was in town to throw out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game, when he noticed a bulge in the pants of 8-year-old Adam Tweedler who was…
Read MoreDeSantis clarifies stance on S.B. 148
Yesterday, we reported on Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ support of S.B. 148, a bill designed to protect white people’s delicate sensibilities from the threat of Critical Race Theory and the ensuing critical thinking that might result. Today, we’re pretending that he called our office to clarify some of what we reported he said, and we’re…
Read MoreBill backed by DeSantis would make it illegal to cause discomfort for white people
Last Thursday, a Florida state Senate committee advanced a bill (S.B. 148), which would protect white people from feeling uncomfortable due to being taught or trained about past discrimination in public schools and private businesses. Monday morning, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who endorses the bill, held a press briefing at the Red Roof Inn by…
Read MoreGronk’s ribs on Rick Scott’s Thanksgiving menu
Florida Senator Rick Scott has announced that the primary entrée for his annual Thanksgiving dinner celebration will be barbecued spare ribs from Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski. “Nummy nummy”, slobbered Scott. Gronkowski suffered multiple fractured ribs, along with a punctured lung, in the Bucs 34-24 loss to the Los Angeles Rams on September…
Read MoreDeSantis to star in big budget, sci-fi biopic
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will star in a new film being shot in Tampa, about Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. “It’s the story of how I singlehandedly saved Planet Florida”, he said. “It’s called Doontz!” “He’s mispronouncing the title, but yeah”, clarified Joe Hambrush, one of the film’s writers and producers. DeSantis went on to excitedly…
Read MoreDeSantis criminalizes ‘freaky Asian chicks’
In sweeping new stateside legislation introduced and passed into law entirely by Governor Ron DeSantis himself, what are described as “freaky Asian chicks” are now illegal in the state of Florida. “Man, they’re weird”, said DeSantis. “I don’t know what they’re up to, with their backpacks and schoolgirl costumes and coy giggling, but it can’t…
Read MoreAs approval rating drops, DeSantis reluctant to call out faithful but flatulent supporters
As the drastic increase in COVID-19 cases surges throughout the state of Florida, polls indicate that the popularity of Governor Ron DeSantis is dropping across the board among registered voters of all political persuasions, with his net approval rating (the share of voters who approve of his job performance minus the share who disapprove) falling…
Read MoreInfluenza pissed at several local Tampa Bay attorneys and parents, and some Uncles
Florida Judge John Cooper, ruled in favor of several prominent Tampa Bay Area attorneys and parents who filed a lawsuit challenging Governor Ron DeSantis’ ban on mask mandates in schools. DeSantis already promises to appeal the ruling, but globally known tyrant Influenza may be most upset with the outcome. “I can’t believe another year is slipping…
Read MoreFlorida Education Commissioner Revealed to be a Sentient Bag of Dicks
During a recent press conference, Florida’s Education Commissioner had a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally revealed that the man we all knew as Richard Corcoran was secretly a literal bag of dicks that had gained sentience and became a politician. “Look, I know my real appearance might surprise people,” said the sentient bag of dicks. Reporters…
Read MoreDeSantis dedicates new science facility at USF
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis visited the Tampa campus of the University of South Florida to attend the dedication ceremony for the new Dennis Nedry Science Center. “Here’s a man who dedicated his life to science, a true innovator in the fields of computer programming, cyber security and shaving cream containers, who never lost sight of…
Read More