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Mass shootings should end now that St. Pete woman is sick of them

Following a mass shooting at an Independence Day parade in Highland Park, Illinois yesterday, Sandy Sterns of St. Petersburg has declared that she is completely over it. “This stuff happens all the time. It’s ridiculous”, she said. “And yesterday was a holiday; we all had the day off and were supposed to celebrate America and…

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Ted Cruz to host poker night at Seminole Hard Rock Casino

Ted Poker

U.S. Senator Ted Cruz announced yesterday that he will be hosting a high-stakes poker night at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Tampa next month. “That’s right, it’s Ted’s Ridiculous Fun Poker Extravaganza and it is coming to Florida on July 4th!” he said. “What could be a more perfectly appropriate way to celebrate the…

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Babies will be given guns at birth

Baby Gun

In an effort to end mass shootings, all babies born from now on will be given guns immediately at birth in an attempt to breed an evolution of humans with guns built directly into their bodies. “By familiarizing newborns with guns, we’re hoping to ultimately have a race of humans born with guns already in…

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