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Hubble telescope takes job as grocery bagger at Publix

Hubble at Publix

Now that NASA’s new James Webb Space Telescope is operational and transmitting spectacular, incredibly detailed infrared light images of a nearby, young, star-forming region called NGC 3324 in the Carina Nebula, the Hubble Space Telescope has been rendered basically obsolete. “Yeah, I guess they don’t need good ol’ Hub anymore,” said the Hubble with a…

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Tampa woman shames daughter for helping someone

Groceries

Clarissa Faircloth of Tampa is recovering from a severe shaming received via text message from her mother after helping someone pay for their groceries yesterday. “Wow. Not the reaction I was expecting, that’s for sure,” she said. Faircloth was shopping at the Publix at Hillsboro Plaza and found herself behind a woman at the checkout…

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Publix launches lawsuits

Logos

Popular supermarket chain Publix has announced that they are suing a couple of companies for trademark infringement due to a “confusingly similar” usage of the letter ‘P’ in their logos. The lawsuit says Pharmapacks is an “enablement platform and retail seller” that markets and sells health and beauty products directly to consumers, including people who…

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Publix to begin carpetbagging groceries

Carpet Bagger

A new bagging policy at Publix is causing some concerns with customers who are not sure what “carpetbagging” means. “From what I’ve gathered in my quick Google search, it’s some political term,” said Publix bagger Jeni Richards. “They didn’t really train us on it, so I brought this strip of carpet from my house and…

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Man’s face shield makes dozens sick at Tampa Publix

Hillsborough County health officials have determined that Instacart shopper Matt Spuiz is responsible for making several people shopping for groceries at the Publix on West Hillsborough Avenue in Tampa violently ill, in spite of wearing a face shield. “It’s because of the face shield, not in spite of it”, said Dr. Meghan Hammerstein. “Speaking strictly…

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Tampa City Councilman Charlie Miranda seeks bargains for upcoming budget

Councilman Charlie Miranda was observed perusing a coupon flyer from Publix during Wednesday’s annual budget presentation meeting of the Tampa City Council. Cory Weckerle, speaking on behalf of Black Lives Matter, was addressing the council meeting which was held on-line. During his remarks, Weckerle said, “…if you have the political will and we have the…

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Publix Deli Deemed Not Essential

Publix Deli Closed as it is non essential

In an effort to protect the health of its workers, Publix has announced they are permanently closing every deli inside all Publix locations until further notice. “It’s the most dangerous part of the store at the moment,” said Publix owner Pube Licks.  “As much as we would love to keep serving you backwoods hillbillies those…

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Publix and Nicki Minaj partner up for Gasparilla-themed Eat The Booty Like Groceries campaign

Publix Super Market – South Tampa – Tuesday, 1.22.2019 Tampa-area Publix Super Market stores are teaming up with Nicki Minaj, famous for her song “Chun-Li”, in an exciting Gasparilla-themed promotion called “Eat the Booty Like Groceries”. From now until the end of Gasparilla, Publix will be playing a special playlist of classic Nikki Minaj hits…

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