Babies Prohibited from Crying on Water Street

Visitors to and residents of Tampa’s toney Water Street district will now have one less thing that could potentially hinder their experience: crying babies.

“This area is for hot, young, single professionals. Who would even want one of those things around, crying or not?” reasoned resident Amanda Howitzer, before adding, “Ugh. Gross.”

If someone wants to bring their ankle-biting unfortunate mistake with them to dine at one of the many al fresco dining spots available, it will be mandatory to fit it with a collar, provided free-of-charge by the property management company, that delivers a probably non-fatal electrical stimulus at peak loaded voltage of 840–1440 volts if the screech demon decides to exercise its as-yet-unknown right to free speech and is not only immediately silenced but fully incapacitated for several minutes.

Control over this device will be handled by roving patrollers because the people who spawn these things clearly can’t be trusted to make sound decisions. 

“People ask if these are shock collars like a dog would wear and that is a disgusting, insulting question,” said Roy Chinook, one of the patrollers. “Anybody who would put a shock collar on a dog is a sick, sociopathic lowlife.”