Would-be Santa accuses mall of sexual discrimination

A prospective mall Santa Claus is claiming she was denied employment due to being a woman.

“I’m out here trying to grant Christmas wishes and smash the patriarchy”, says Suzanne Dopfler of Carrollwood. “There’s nothing that says Santa Claus has to be played by a male. Mrs. Claus? Get the hell outta here with that superfluous sexist sidekick/accessory bullshit. I guess Citrus Park Mall isn’t ready to deal with all this female realness.”

“No no no! That’s not the case at all”, says mall manager Andy Mintburg. “It’s just that… well… um, for one thing, we already have a guy. He’s been Santa here for years.”

“They have ‘a guy‘? Of course they have ‘a guy‘”, said Dopfler. “A white guy in his 50s no doubt.”

“In addition to the position not being open, Ms. Dopfler doesn’t dress appropriately”, said Mintburg. “It could be confusing for the kids and troubling for the parents.”

“What a stupid assumption. I wouldn’t wear my personal wardrobe on the job; of course I’d comply with established standards and wear the traditional uniform. But they’re going to try to find fault with the way I choose to express myself in the clothing I wear? Real progressive, mall”, Dopfler said sarcastically. “Make sure you note that I said that sarcastically.”

“They’re trying to slut-shame me, making it seem like I’m a whore”, she said. “How dare they! I am not a whore!”

“She actually is a whore,” said Mintburg. “I know for a first-hand fact that she is. I’ve paid her to have sex, okay? Are you happy now? Yes, I paid a woman to have sex with me. Fine. You got me. It was a one-time thing and I regretted it immediately, but I did it. I’m not proud of it but does that mean I deserve to have my marriage and career in mall management ruined forever? I don’t think so.”

“Oops, my bad,” said Dopfler. “I thought he looked familiar. Anybody know if Westshore Plaza is hiring?”