Posts by Josh Santos
Publix to sell Jameis Winston inspired Sub
Publix announced today the creation of a new Pub-Sub in honor of the Buccaneers quarterback who famously stole crab legs from one of their locations. “The Winston Interceptor will feature 18 layers of crab meat on a bun, and nothing else,” said Publix spokesperson, Miguelito Abrepiernas. “We hope our customers enjoy this sandwich as much…
Read MoreFlorida Aquarium to become new home of the Rays
In a landmark deal, the Rays Touch Tank stingrays will be moving out of Tropicana Field and will now be housed at the Channelside Florida Aquarium. “These stingrays haven’t seen actual sunlight in years,” said Rays owner Stu Sternberg. “Within the next few years, you are all going to be seeing less and less of…
Read MoreNew Sex Brewery Opens in Downtown Tampa
Tampa’s latest brewery is set to open in Downtown Tampa, and it will include a very sexy twist. “Sex and beer bro!” Said owner and operator of BeerN’Tits Brewery, Loryanne Gilchrist. Gilchrist then offered me a freshly canned beer. “I think you’re going to like this one, it’s called Blowjob Juice IPA.” I drank the…
Read MoreTampa voted best city to be homeless
The city of Tampa was recently honored as the best city to live in without a home in the latest issue of Homeless By Choice magazine. “I worked two full time jobs that payed the minimum wage for almost eight years without a day off,” said Wally Robbins, a young able-bodied person with mental health…
Read MoreUlele Asked to Remove Statue of Woman Spread Eagle
The popular brewery/restaurant/museum on Tampa’s famous Riverwalk, Ulele, has been asked to remove another giant statue they placed on their lawn without a permit. “It’s art,” says owner of Ulele, James Sumfukboi. “We like having art on our lawns, but for some reason the city doesn’t seem to like anything we leave out there.” The…
Read MoreLocal park reverses homeless policy
A small park in Downtown Tampa, once known for its mistreatment of the homeless, is ushering in a new homeless policy. “We’re going to take care of these folks,” said Tampa Parks and Recreation manager, Javed Nadeem. “For too long, this city has done everything it can to let homeless people know they aren’t welcome.…
Read MoreMons Venus Adds Dog Park
The popular Tampa destination, Mons Venus, has expanded its footprint as part of the new Midtown Tampa development that looks to update the area around Dale Mabry Highway. The Joe Redner owned strip club will now boasts a large and sprawling dog park with three sections: one for large dogs, one for small dogs, and…
Read MoreFlorida Senator Rick Scott Celebrates a Year of Accomplishing Nothing
It has been one year since the former governor of Florida, Rick Scott, was elected to the United States Senate after narrowly defeating some old man who had been at that job for too long. “I was elected governor of Florida with absolutely no experience besides my ability to scam taxpayers,” said Senator Scott. “I…
Read MoreJane Castor Eliminates Negative Vibes
During a heated community meeting, Jane Castor was under intense pressure to lose her cool. “I’ve had my fair share of dealing with egos and attitudes,” said Tampa Mayor Jane Castor. “I took a deep breath, listened to what these folks had to say and we discussed everything in a civil manner.” During the community…
Read MoreMAGA Hat Wearing Man Stabbed to Death by Illegal Immigrant Child
An eight-year-old is in custody after allegedly stabbing Dodger McGavins while he waited in the checkout line of his local Publix today. “That man was wearing a ‘Make American Great Again’ (MAGA) hat, but he was wearing it ironically and with a shirt that said ‘Lock Him Up!’” Said the child, whose name is being…
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