Health
Inconsistencies found in public restroom hygiene protocol
A public men’s room at a video store in Tampa’s Drew Park neighborhood reveals a dangerously inconsistent approach to promoting good hygiene practices. “There are signs posted above the urinals and in the toilet stalls with very specific instructions on how one should wash their hands, including why it’s necessary, how long it should take…
Read MoreSt. Pete man’s dying words express regret for getting vaccinated
Eddie Mulmswood of St. Petersburg passed away yesterday and used his last words to say that more than anything else, he wished he’d never gotten vaccinated against COVID. “You would have thought his greatest regret was getting drunk and walking into traffic on a Thursday afternoon”, said his son-in-law Jerry Oyler. “I mean, since he…
Read More5 reasons not to kill yourself
You might upset at least 1 person Odds are, at the very least, 1 person cares about you a little bit. Even if you don’t have any friends or family, you’re probably important to someone, and if not important, maybe you bring the tiniest bit of joy to their life. If you are completely certain…
Read MoreRacist baby receives experimental anti-racist vaccine
A baby who was born racist received the first ever anti-racist vaccine, which works by attacking the racist cells in the body, transforming the babies DNA into a sequence that is not racist. “We’re super woke so we wanted to risk our baby’s life on it.” Said Detra Mental, the child’s mother. “Yea,, I Tik…
Read MoreSnortable vaccine available in Ybor
A snortable version of the Covid vaccine has been released and is being distributed exclusively in Ybor City. The drug has been made snortable because that’s how some people are most comfortable taking their drugs, so the CDC wanted to give people a version of the vaccine that’s more palatable to them. “We realized this…
Read MoreVax-hesitant woman in St. Pete REALLY nervous after suffering no side effects
Amanda Fleary of St. Petersburg, who was hesitant to receive a vaccination against COVID, is worried more than ever about the vaccine after finally taking it but not suffering any of the side effects associated with it. “I held off on getting it for so long, because I just didn’t know if it was safe”,…
Read MoreInfluenza pissed at several local Tampa Bay attorneys and parents, and some Uncles
Florida Judge John Cooper, ruled in favor of several prominent Tampa Bay Area attorneys and parents who filed a lawsuit challenging Governor Ron DeSantis’ ban on mask mandates in schools. DeSantis already promises to appeal the ruling, but globally known tyrant Influenza may be most upset with the outcome. “I can’t believe another year is slipping…
Read MoreDeSantis plans to travel back in time to prevent vaccinations
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is in Tampa today to attempt going back in time to prevent the invention and implementation of vaccines for polio, measles, smallpox and other conditions that have been virtually eradicated. “I don’t know what it was like back then because obviously I don’t study or learn from history, recent or otherwise.…
Read MoreOldsmar man feels less safe without masks
Paul Hillberry of Oldsmar says he’s glad face coverings may become mandatory again because he doesn’t feel safe in public without one. “I know for a fact that wearing a mask has protected me…”, he said. “…from getting my ass beat for all the shit I talk about people.” “When I’m at the grocery store…
Read MoreDeSantis deflects criticism of his handling of COVID resurgence
In spite of cases of COVID-19 rising once again in the state of Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis remains defiant of any kind of public safety restrictions or mandates. Yesterday at a press conference in Tampa, he responded directly to criticism that he is not making the situation a top priority. “It is very important that…
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