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Charlie Crist changes name to connect with evangelical Christians

Charlie Christ

In an effort to appeal to conservative voters in the upcoming election for Florida governor, Democratic Party nominee Charlie Crist has changed his name to Chuckie Christ. “It occurred to me that some people might not realize that I’m a direct descendant of The Original Guy,” he said. “He’s actually my uncle, from Nazareth, which…

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Angry God expected to rain out minor league baseball game

God, the revered, reviled, feared, ineffable, unpredictable and misunderstood supreme Christian deity, is very angry that the Tampa Tarpons have a female manager, according to a self-appointed human spokesperson.  “The Almighty takes a dim view of this kind of abomination,” said Delores Shtiffy of Seffner, referring to Rachel Balkovec, the first female manager in the…

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Seffner man wants Biden to give him his hour back

Biden Time

Randy Spragg of Seffner woke up this morning to find that an hour of his day had been taken away and he wants the President of the United States to give it back. “Biden ruins everything! He’s the worst! He’s taking away our freedom, he’s taking away inexpensive gas, he’s taking away our great relationship…

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Seffner man very unhappy with new license plate

License Plate

Don Keenutz of Seffner left the Department of Motor Vehicles office on Falkenberg Road extremely dissatisfied yesterday afternoon. “This license plate is completely unacceptable,” he fumed at the clerk, a Ms. Deondra Jackson of Brandon, waving the plate that reads MLK MAL X around wildly. “I can’t put this on my Ford F-250 XLT with…

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Seffner couple wins free tickets to space

Astornots

Joe-Jack and Glucinda Porkrind of Seffner have won free tickets to travel to space via Virgin Galactic. “We prefer Plant City Heights, if you don’t mind”, said Joe-Jack. “Seffner ain’t too classy.” “We gone be asternots!”, said Glucinda. “We want to thank Mr. Bransing for this opportunity.” “Yeah, we’re big ass fans of his town…

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George Zimmerman hired as Disney prince

Prince Zimmerman

Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman of Seffner Florida, has gotten a job in the nearby town of Orlando at Disney World as a prince who will perform for, and greet, guests. “We wish we didn’t have to do this, but nobody wants to work!” Said the general manager of the Orlando Disney World. “Everybody just wants…

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Seffner man takes away all of son’s gender-neutral toys

Toys

Some consumers are reacting negatively to Hasbro, Inc. deciding that the iconic Mr. Potato Head brand will be dropping the “Mr.” title in an effort to promote inclusivity. “My boy – and he is a boy, he’s ALL boy – will play with boys toys”, said Paul Gleet of Seffner. “No gay – or as…

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Reality show winner celebrates victory in Ybor City

Winning lawyer

Marko “Mike” van der Veeen, a low-ranking sales associate at Buy-N-Ride, a buy here, pay here used car dealership in Seffner, has won the title of champion on a new reality TV series and is celebrating with a week-long bender in Ybor City. “I did it! I fucking did it!”, he exclaimed, after disembarking from…

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Furries making a comeback, thanks to COVID-19

It’s no secret that safe sex has been a bit dicey since the COVID pandemic began earlier this year. New York City health officials even went so far as to recommend residents practice COVID-safe sex, through use of a “wall” (aka a glory hole). The porn industry seems to be particularly at risk for COVID…

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