Posts Tagged ‘Seffner’
Seffner man welcomes UFOs as “somethin’ else to shoot at”
What’s your plan to react to a close encounter?
Read MoreSeffner man creates movement that says White People are pretty good
Andy Prelwitz of Seffner has launched a new social movement that seeks to promote and elevate the achievements and interests of Caucasian people. “Am I a White Supremacist? Ha ha! Heck no! Far from it,” he said. “If anything, I’m a White Prettygoodacist.” “Am I saying that Michael Jordan isn’t the greatest basketball player of…
Read MoreCharlie Crist changes name to connect with evangelical Christians
In an effort to appeal to conservative voters in the upcoming election for Florida governor, Democratic Party nominee Charlie Crist has changed his name to Chuckie Christ. “It occurred to me that some people might not realize that I’m a direct descendant of The Original Guy,” he said. “He’s actually my uncle, from Nazareth, which…
Read MoreAngry God expected to rain out minor league baseball game
God, the revered, reviled, feared, ineffable, unpredictable and misunderstood supreme Christian deity, is very angry that the Tampa Tarpons have a female manager, according to a self-appointed human spokesperson. “The Almighty takes a dim view of this kind of abomination,” said Delores Shtiffy of Seffner, referring to Rachel Balkovec, the first female manager in the…
Read MoreSeffner man wants Biden to give him his hour back
Randy Spragg of Seffner woke up this morning to find that an hour of his day had been taken away and he wants the President of the United States to give it back. “Biden ruins everything! He’s the worst! He’s taking away our freedom, he’s taking away inexpensive gas, he’s taking away our great relationship…
Read MoreSeffner man very unhappy with new license plate
Don Keenutz of Seffner left the Department of Motor Vehicles office on Falkenberg Road extremely dissatisfied yesterday afternoon. “This license plate is completely unacceptable,” he fumed at the clerk, a Ms. Deondra Jackson of Brandon, waving the plate that reads MLK MAL X around wildly. “I can’t put this on my Ford F-250 XLT with…
Read MoreSeffner couple wins free tickets to space
Joe-Jack and Glucinda Porkrind of Seffner have won free tickets to travel to space via Virgin Galactic. “We prefer Plant City Heights, if you don’t mind”, said Joe-Jack. “Seffner ain’t too classy.” “We gone be asternots!”, said Glucinda. “We want to thank Mr. Bransing for this opportunity.” “Yeah, we’re big ass fans of his town…
Read MoreGeorge Zimmerman hired as Disney prince
Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman of Seffner Florida, has gotten a job in the nearby town of Orlando at Disney World as a prince who will perform for, and greet, guests. “We wish we didn’t have to do this, but nobody wants to work!” Said the general manager of the Orlando Disney World. “Everybody just wants…
Read MoreSeffner man takes away all of son’s gender-neutral toys
Some consumers are reacting negatively to Hasbro, Inc. deciding that the iconic Mr. Potato Head brand will be dropping the “Mr.” title in an effort to promote inclusivity. “My boy – and he is a boy, he’s ALL boy – will play with boys toys”, said Paul Gleet of Seffner. “No gay – or as…
Read MoreReality show winner celebrates victory in Ybor City
Marko “Mike” van der Veeen, a low-ranking sales associate at Buy-N-Ride, a buy here, pay here used car dealership in Seffner, has won the title of champion on a new reality TV series and is celebrating with a week-long bender in Ybor City. “I did it! I fucking did it!”, he exclaimed, after disembarking from…
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