Between Governor Ron DeSantis and his DeSciples declaring Disneyworld off limits and people coming here to live and not just visit, tourists are becoming an endangered species in the state of Florida. Add to that an economy ravaged by inflation, and it’s easy to see that the state’s leading industry is in serious trouble.
With that in mind, we here at Tampa News Force are offering up some handy penny-pinching tips for places to stay (with proximity to fun local attractions!) so people will still want to visit our local paradise.
The Open Gate Motel
4810 N. Florida Ave.
Voted by TripAdvisor.com, “Most Likely Place To Have Someone Break In And Harvest Your Organs While You Sleep” five years in a row!
CLOSE TO: Cappy’s Pizza, Dollar Tree and Broward Elementary School
The Dutch Motel
108 W. Hillsborough Ave.
Fun fact: the slang phrase “In Dutch” means in trouble or disfavor. That may explain why this gem is so popular with those hiding out and waiting for the heat to die down after unsuccessful liquor store robbery attempts.
CLOSE TO: Circle K, Ichicoro Ramen and The Open Gate Motel
The Sunny South Motel
3206 W. Hillsborough Ave.
If you’re looking for an ideal spot to hook up with a crossdresser you met on Craigslist, THIS is it! Just kidding. Nobody hooks up with crossdressers via Craigslsit anymore. Try Grindr or Squirt.org.
CLOSE TO: Century Buick GMC. El Pollo Tropical and Tires Plus
The Jayhawk Motel
3415 N. Nebraska Ave.
If you’re from Kansas and have to go to a motel to view porn for some reason, this is the perfect getaway spot for you!
CLOSE TO: Robles Park, Deeper Life Christian Church and the last living gender-fluid prostitutes left over from the glory days of Nebraska Avenue back in the ’80s.
The Mayflower Motel
7510 N. Florida Ave.
Do you love your car but hate the fact that it has windows and a radio? Stay at the Mayflower and local volunteers will take care of that problem while you sleep FOR FREE! It’s called The Mayflower because staying there is like being a pilgrim; an unwanted visitor in a foreign land!
CLOSE TO: City Electric Supply Tampa Central, Heights Pizza and Raymond, an old guy who just walks around threatening people