For those seeking a career change, USF has announced a series of 8-week certificates for employees looking to get started in a new field.
“This is our first test program, and we look forward to staffing many of the current vacant bathroom attendant positions in Tampa,” said USF Bathroom Attendant Program Director, Stanki Pharts. “Before Covid, this was a necessary position that ensured adequate sanitary levels in many clubs around the country.”
After reports that Covid could be spread through fecal matter that sprays into the air when a toilet is flushed, many bathroom attendants quit their jobs.
“I’m sure there are many reasons beyond the poop in the air after flushing that caused bathroom attendants to quit, but we like to blame Covid for everything,” said Pharts who offered me a mint and a hot towel.
Pharts took me on a tour of the classroom, which was modeled after the Macdintons Irish Pub bathroom, a famous nightlife hotspot in South Tampa’s SoHo district.
USF students and staff are encouraged to visit the program classroom bathroom so that those enrolled can get hands-on training.
“It’s not a lucrative career unless you’re in a busy upscale location,” admitted Pharts. “Most of the students in this program will gain the skills, but only those who hustle will make any money at this.”
I then had to take a big dump and excused myself into one of the stalls in the classroom. As I was in the middle of one of the biggest dumps of my life, the USF women’s sailing team loudly entered the room after their practice.
“We came to take fat dumps and we demand excellent bathroom attendant service!” The women announced.
Soon, every stall and urinal was occupied in the classroom. Every student enrolled in the program was scrambling around throwing mints and towels everywhere. It was chaos, and I was afraid to leave my stall.
“Come on, we need to use this stall, you’ve been in there since we entered the room!” Screamed one of the woman sailors while banging on the door of my bathroom stall.
“Just a minute!” I said in a high-pitched voice trying to emulate a young lady.
“Hey! You’re not a girl!” I heard them shout. “Get him!”
The Amazonian sailor women busted down the door to my bathroom stall and dragged me out of the room while my bowels continued to empty everywhere.
I ran to my car and cried, then I drove home to clean myself off.
Those interested in making a career change are encouraged to visit USF’s website to learn about available certificate opportunities.