Homophobes threaten to not use local bridges lit up for Pride

Following a decision from the office of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis to override recent Florida Department of Transportation policies to not light local bridges in honor of Gay Pride month, local homophobes are threatening to boycott the Sunshine Skyway and other spans.

“First of all, I’m not a homophobe”, said Denny Knockwurst of St. Petersburg. “I hate homos, I don’t fear them. Get it straight! And I mean STRAIGHT! Secondly, I ain’t gonna use no bridge all lit up to acknowledge their right to exist. If they light the Sunshine Skyway, I’ll just go around or swim across or whatever I have to do to get from St. Pete to Sarasota. And before you say anything, yes, I realize how impractical those alternatives are. But that’s how strongly I feel about it.”

“I’m sick of them taking all our stuff,” said Patty Links of Temple Terrace. Our wedding cakes AND our bridges? Straight people can’t have anything anymore!”

“Look, it has nothing to do with hating the LGBTQIA+ community”, said Mario Chorizo of Tampa. “It’s just not necessary. Why should the taxpayers have to take on the considerable, additional expense of lighting public use structures just to appease one small, special interest segment of the population? Sure, it’s lit up all the time anyway, but there has to be exorbitant extra costs with using different colors, right? No? Huh. Okay, well, I get the logic of that on a basic common sense level but I still choose to think it’s probably incorrect for some reason.”

“Driving across a gay bridge makes my truck gay and that makes me gay”, said Andre Andouille of Brandon. “Not the testicles hanging off the trailer hitch.”

“For me, it’s not about the gays”, said Ed Salami of Clearwater. “I heard about this guy that was killed by a rainbow. It happened in Kansas or something. Tornadoes and hurricanes and other atmospheric occurrences get all the attention but people don’t realize how deadly rainbows can be. That’s something you never hear about. That’s where we need more awareness.”

“I’m not afraid to say it; I hate all the queers”, said Randy Kielbasa of Largo. “So much that I was going to kill myself by jumping off the Skyway and now I can’t even do that. What am I supposed to do now? Jump off the Gandy a whole bunch of times over and over? I guess I have no choice. Thanks, DeSantis.”