Posts by Chingy Lopez
Tampa Theatre to Hold Special Screening of ‘Cats: The Butthole Cut’
To celebrate the reopening of the historical Tampa Theatre, one of America’s most elaborate movie palaces will have a one-time only screening of the fabled butthole cut of the infamous 2019 remake of ‘Cats’. “As a registered nonprofit, we have to do everything we can to bounce back from this one,” said Theatre manager Casper…
Read MoreTarget to Convert Parking Lots into All-You-Can-Eat Buffets
Americans around the United States might never trust going to buffets again, but Target is hoping to ease fears in a new partnership with Golden Corral. Every day after closing, Target will set-up tents in select parking lots while volunteers serve out unlimited dishes to guest with buffet drive-thru tickets taped to their windshields. “Every…
Read MoreRick Scott Becomes First Openly Vegan Senator
While trying to impress a group of interns in the Senate, Rick Scott showed off his new ‘Vegan’ neck tattoo in an attempt to win their approval. “I was at Whole Foods today and I didn’t buy a single animal product,” said Scott while showing off that he has a lot of money to a…
Read MoreMayor Jane Castor Threatening Tampa Citizens with Spankings if they Don’t Comply with Mask Law
The Mayor of Tampa wants you to know you’re being really naughty. “If I catch you outside, not wearing a mask, your ass is going to pay for it,” said Mayor Jane Castor speaking directly to reporters outside of City Hall. “If you want to protect your fellow citizens, wear a mask. If you want…
Read MoreRick Scott Announces Best Friend, Rick Sock
While praising the GOP for officially announcing that the Republican National Convention (RNC) will be held in Jacksonville, FL, Florida Senator Rick Scott announced his mysterious best friend will be joining him at the convention. “When I arrived in D.C., I was sad I wouldn’t get to see my best friend who actually lives in…
Read MoreTampa Man First in Nation to Successfully Impregnate a Computer
A University of South Florida PhD candidate is being celebrated across the nation today after it was announced that after many months of trying, his gaming PC is pregnant, and they are expecting a child. “I’ve been having nonstop unprotected sex with my computer instead of studying for my PhD,” said Kenny Sagan, a 22-year-old…
Read MoreHernando County Man Outraged He Can’t Vote Against AOC – Can’t Name Own Representative
While hundreds of cities around the nation joined together to protest systemic racism, one Hernando County man spent his week furiously trying to figure out how to vote against Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I see so much coverage about her dumb face on the news, I’m tired of it!” Said Brienard Boleslaw, a 56-year-old lifelong Spring Hill…
Read MoreWhat Wearing A Mask In Public Says About You
Studies show that people who are wearing a mask in Florida, can’t breathe. It seems like a lot of people around the country can’t breathe for a variety of reasons. Should we be forcing people into not breathing by wearing a mask in heavily air-conditioned buildings? Stores that force customers to wear a mask might…
Read MoreTampa Grocery Store Preemptively Fires Every Employee Named Karen
A Tampa-area Publix has announced that they have fired every employee named “Karen” as a defensive measure in case one of them went on a racist tirade against a customer. “We’ve seen the videos online, I don’t want that happening in my store,” said store manager Poner Bopper. “We have a lot of J****e and…
Read MoreAmazon Announces Plan to Build First Ever Drive Thru Superstore in Tampa
Hillsborough County officials confirmed today that they have finalized the permit requirements that will allow the online retail giant, Amazon, to build a first-of-its-kind drive-thru superstore on a busy Tampa highway. “We are a future focused company and this idea will allow us to burn a ton of money in an effort to make it…
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