Posts by Chingy Lopez
Tampa Walmart Finalizes Deal with PornHub, Will Sell Merch and Subscription Cards
The leading internet porn powerhouse is teaming up with the largest physical retailer in the country in an exclusive deal which will see PornHub merchandise available for sale in Tampa-area Walmarts. “This deal was a long time coming,” said Walmart spokesperson Emerald Lagassé, an older Italian gentleman wearing a PornHub shirt who is in no…
Read MoreTampa Escorts Provider Announces Family Rental Service with Zillow
People that hope to fulfill their fantasy of having a family they can have sex with will finally be a few clicks away from making their wet dreams come true. “We base all of our decisions entirely on popular PornHub keywords,” said Zillow spokesperson, Moe Horshit. “We saw an opportunity to capitalize on some of…
Read MoreTop Things to Buy on Craigslist Tampa
If you are looking to directly support the community, shopping on Craigslist can be the best way stimulate your local economy. Hop on these great finds today before they are gone! Muriatic Acid Are you processing leather or making a homemade batch of gelatin? Well then pick up a half full bottle of Muriatic Acid,…
Read MoreRick Scott Promises Funeral Benefits to Essential Workers
As part of a comprehensive package to take care of essential workers in the state of Florida, Senator Rick Scott promises to personally consume the decomposed bodies of any essential worker that dies while fighting COVID-19. “I’ll eat that shit whole,” said Senator Rick Scott. “If you are a Floridian, and you are dying, call…
Read MoreSt. Pete restaurant offers free weights, squat rack for customers waiting on their food
While many people are itching to get back to the gym, one Downtown St. Petersburg restaurant is hoping to fill you up after re-racking their weights. Beginning today, customers who place their orders at The German Knodle will be allowed to get a few reps in while hanging out in the new waiting area stocked…
Read MoreFlorida Teen Arrested for Calling Bomb Threat to Own Home Because of Online Learning
One teen is in custody today after the Tampa Police Department announced that they had received a call about a bomb inside a home in Carrolwood. Investigators say the call came from inside the home and was made by the teen in an attempt to get out of a very hard multiple-choice exam that was…
Read MoreGovernor Ron DeSantis Announces Plan To Open Them Cheeks
During a press conference today, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced his plan to slowly open them cheeks and get in that thing. “Some guy named Fatty on twitter made fun us and called us anon edge lords on Twitter,” said DeSantis speaking from the point of view of Tampa News Force. “It really hit close…
Read MoreTampa-area Republicans Celebrate Lack of Information
Citing liberal bias and the expensiveness of having to pay to read things people are taking pay cuts to write, Republicans around the Tampa Bay area rejoiced as they heard the news that their only local paper had to lay off some staff. “I hope the whole damn thing gets shut down and we all…
Read MoreFloor & Decor Accused of Not Being Home Depot or Lowe’s
The Lakeland location of Floor & Decor was met with hostility today after a customer complained that they were not Home Depot or Lowe’s. “I bought two boxes of tiles, but then I realized I don’t even own a home,” said Fenix Fartiano who tried to re-tile his trailer that he rents in exchange for…
Read MoreTampa Unveils Quantum Powered Cruise Ship
In a first of its kind announcement, the Tampa Bay Port Authority has announced the launch of a Quantum-Powered cruise ship that is set to set sail later this month for a select group of cruise-ship enthusiast. “Tampa is tired of having these large polluters dock at the bay,” said Tampa Bay Port Authority CEO…
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