Posts by Josh Santos
Marco Rubio to become a pedophile so that people will talk about him
In an effort to become more relevant within his party and generate much needed media attention, Florida Senator Marco Rubio has announced that he is a pedophile. “I love fucking kids,” said Rubio to thunderous applause from the GOP base he so desperately wants to be accepted by. “Whenever I see a child, I get…
Read MoreWhere should I take my mom in Tampa?
Mother’s day is the only day of the year when people pretend to love their moms. Because of this, most places in Tampa will be swarming with families dragging around their family’s matriarch to show them the good time they never had while raising them. If you need some ideas and tips for where to…
Read MoreGrown Man Riding Hoverboard Offering Unsolicited Business Advice
While touring around his new neighborhood, northern transplant Trevor Plumb decided to offer nearby business owners tips to make things more accommodating for him. “I almost didn’t come in here,” said Plumb who decided to enter a coffee shop without getting off of his children’s toy commonly referred to as a hoverboard. “Yeah, that sign…
Read MoreWork from Home Apartment Complex Now Hiring/Accepting Tenants
In an effort to combat high rent prices, an apartment complex in Tampa is currently hiring and accepting tenants for the first-of-its-kind work from home apartment community. “We want to make sure that people working in Florida have a place to live,” said the community manager of the Walmart Warehouse Townhomes, Mig Chaloot. “Our Walmarts…
Read MoreTampa Opens Paddleboard Hunting Range
A new business venture is hoping to combine the thrill of hunting wildlife with the serenity of paddleboarding. Kill Paddle Kill is Florida’s first attraction of its kind. “We have too many things that need killing on the Hillsborough River,” said owner and manager of Kill Paddle Kill, Mike Openhager. “We were originally a paddleboarding…
Read MoreTampa Officials Blame Elevated Party Levels on Influx of Douchebags
Tampa’s party scene has exploded tremendously since the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic and scientist think they have figured out why. “Our fastest growing demographic in this city includes young men with access to their parents money,” said USF Professor of Urban Sociology, Dr. Wyatt Nhao. “These men lack critical thinking skills and are generally…
Read MoreAll of Tampa is Now Spice World
During a press conference today, Mayor Jane Castor announced a new partnership with the 90s pop group Spice Girls to officially license the name Spice World. “This has been on my agenda since the first day I was sworn in as mayor,” Castor told reporters. “Tampa has a lot of people smoking spice, and it’s…
Read MoreBig Cat Rescue to House Joe Burrow During Off-Season
After losing the Super Bowl, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback, Joe Burrow, has decided to spend the offseason getting in touch with his roots. “Did you know that less than 2,000 Bengal tigers exist in the wild?” Asked Burrow from inside the animal enclosure at Big Cat Rescue in Tampa, FL. “Next year, if I don’t win…
Read MoreFlorida Loses Password to Emergency Rental Funds Account
The Florida government announced today that they have been locked out of the account holding over $700 million for the state’s rental assistance program. “I tried the password that was on the sticky note by the computer, but I guess I put it in wrong a couple times because it locked me out,” said Max…
Read MoreDr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness to Feature Drake Bell’s Dragonfly Character from Superhero Movie
Disney+ Sponsored Marvel Studios Productions is reportedly bringing in some deep cuts for its upcoming multiversal-centric film. Latest leaks from the set of ‘Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness’ reveal some surprise cameos from the classic 2008 American superhero spoof comedy film ‘Superhero Movie’. Unannounced reshoots on location in Tampa Bay were photographed by…
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