Posts by Josh Santos
Tampa to pay drivers who are stuck in traffic
As part of a new construction plan, Tampa will now employ hundreds of homeless people to walk on the highway while traffic is stopped to give drivers $10. “We’ve been throwing money at our highways for decades, and nothing ever seems to work,” said Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) representative Kennie Wheelis. “After our latest…
Read MoreFirst Dog Owned Business opens in Tampa
Jazzy was a retired Greyhound dog with no where to go after the dog race ban. “Bark, bark,” said Jazzy between chewing on a fake bone. Jazzy was part of the gifted dog program and she is one of the only canines able to communicate with humans using an Ouija board. “Bark, bark,” she said,…
Read MoreTom Cruise Elected Mayor of Clearwater
After purchasing a majority of the property in Downtown Clearwater, the “church” of Scientology has taken over the local government and installed Tom Cruise as the permanent mayor of the city. “We love this part of Florida because it’s easy to kidnap people and force them to work for us in exchange for a place…
Read MoreTPA develops new Chemtrail Formula
In an effort to control mosquito and lovebug populations, Tampa International Airport (TPA) has announced they have developed a new chemtrail formula that they hope will combat and eradicate the bugs once and for all. “Dozens of planes fly in and out of here every day,” said TPA spokesperson Wally Wingnut. “Our old chemtrail formula…
Read MorePublix to Sub-sidize Public Schools in Florida
As part of a new sub promotion by the Lakeland-based grocery chain, Publix has pledged to support every public school in Florida free lunch for the next two years. “We waste so much food every day at all of our grocery stores,” said Publix Director of Finances, Susie Jonas. “To detract people from dumpster diving,…
Read MoreTampa News Force Backs China in Denouncing Hong Kong Protestors
Popular alternative news network conglomerate, Tampa News Force, is coming out in support of the Chinese government in their efforts to stop the Hong Kong protestors. “I love China! I get all my food from there,” said Josh Santos, reporter for Tampa News Force. “I get all my riot gear from the same place as…
Read MoreTampa News Force LIVE
Save the date and get your tickets early for a special evening filled with videos, music and comedy. Featuring performances by Clark Brooks, Marie Williams, Jojo White, and Jake Brown
Read MoreTampa Doctor Honored for Prescribing the Most Fentanyl
A Tampa General Hospital doctor was honored today at a ceremony held at the Downtown Tampa Hilton Hotel for the 13th Annual Drug and Medicine Awards. Dr. Bigdler Funyon was presented with a three foot statue of a bottle of pills and a gift certificate to Wendy’s for prescribing the most fentanyl in the state…
Read MoreChronic Butt Dialer Arrested for Robocalling
A man who was recently taken into custody for calling over 180,000 people in the Tampa-bay area is claiming that the phone calls were an accident and only happened because of his chronic butt dialing condition. “Yeah my ass has fingers and whenever I sit down, my ass will unlock my phone and call people,”…
Read MoreCustomers trapped in Walmart checkout line for hours
In what was described as a particularly long wait time to use the self-checkout at the Walmart on Fletcher Avenue, nearly 150 customers stood in line for nearly three hours before being allowed to leave the store with their purchased goods. “I got in line and went to scan one of the things in my…
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