Posts by Josh Santos
Democrat optimistic about odds against him
The Loftvue – Hillsborough County – Monday, 7.15.19 After waking up and smoking pot, Democrat Eustace Mercado fixed himself up a microwaved breakfast biscuit and began watching CNN on his television. “I work just enough hours a week to afford rent, cable and enough pot to keep me in this endless cycle,” said Mercado who…
Read MoreMarco Rubio Praises Concentration Camp Bathrooms
Florida Detention Center – Hillsborough County – 7.13.19 During a recent tour of a for-profit facility that houses detained migrant children, Florida Senator Marco Rubio praised the facilities bathroom. “After hearing about the awful conditions these children have been kept in, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about,” Rubio said while sipping…
Read MoreTampa Man Scared ‘Medicare for All’ will make him poor
Tampa General Hospital – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 7.11.19 A local Tampa man was scared today after reading on a fake news website that ‘Medicare for All’ would make him poor. “I got that internet thing as part of a package deal with my cable company,” said Doug Barr, “I only trust what my TV…
Read MoreTampa Declared Nipple Clamp Capital of the World
Curtis Hixon Park – Hillsborough County – Monday, 7.8.19 During a recent trip to Tampa, survey crews from Australia’s leading nipple clamp production facility stopped by Tampa government offices to present Mayor Jane Castor with an award, recognizing the city as the nipple clamp capital of the world. “I didn’t even know this was a…
Read MoreRick Scott Successfully Orders Burrito in Spanish at Chipotle
USF-Area Chiptole – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 7.7.19 In an effort to connect with young hispanic voters, Senator Rick Scott showed off his Spanish speaking ability at the University of South Florida-area Chipotle during his, “Let’s Work But Not Be Paid Enough to Live” voter engagement tour. Dozens of supporters crowded the popular Chipotle location…
Read MoreTampa Doctor First to Reverse Resting Bitch Face
South Tampa Cosmetic Surgery Center – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 7.7.19 A local plastic surgeon is being honored today for pioneering a new type of surgery that reverses the effects of resting bitch face (RBF) in patients by up to 20%. “I’m very happy with my results,” said Sharron Haron, a local mother of two.…
Read MoreTampa Child Found in Hot Car Making Beef Jerky
Target Parking Garage – Hillsborough County – Friday, 7.5.19 Local culinary prodigy, Dennis Wiggins, was found today after an exhausting 18-hour search led to his discovery on the top floor of the South Tampa Target parking garage. 8-year-old Wiggins stole his mothers minivan and went missing early in the morning to steal thick beef slices…
Read MoreAmazon to offer 2-Day Evacuations this Hurricane Season
Amazon Evacuation Fulfillment Center – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 7.3.19 In an effort to manufacture good PR ahead of Amazon Prime Day, Amazon has announced a new two day evacuation perk for Prime+ members. If you are signed up for Amazon Prime+, you and your household can be evacuated to Amazon warehouses within two days…
Read MoreBern’s Steak House to release line of frozen meals
Publix Greenwise – Hillsborough County – Monday, 7.1.19 During a press conference today, the owners of Bern’s Steak House announced that they will be releasing a limited line of prepared frozen steak dinners and desserts in a partnership with Publix Greenwise. “We are consistently regarded among the best dining in Tampa,” said Bern’s Steak House…
Read MoreTampa News Force Contemplates Ending it All
Tampa News Force Headquarters – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 6.27.19 During a recent press planning meeting, Tampa News Force (TNF) contemplated ending it all and effectively stopping all publishing of new stories. “I can’t take it anymore,” said TNF editor Josh Santos. “These articles get real long and pointless. I spend a lot of time…
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